A man like me... for someone

A man like me
walks alone, lives alone,
eats and sleeps alone

Never dreamed of being afar
yet appearing distant
always gazing ahead
reminiscence of the past

had little desires in life
only but to live meaningfully
had sought perfection
only but flaws to be found

i care not for many
for many care not I

cheeks grown coarse
expression hardened
smiles are but a tool for another's satisfaction

body grown weary
feelings cold
gestures are but a proof for another's existence

thoughts grown infallible
emotions amok
voices are but a reserve for another's pleasure

do beautiful things only exist in dreams?
Nay, 'tis not true...
what was once only fantasy
had become reality

for who else...

who else would lay on my chest
finding comfort
who else would hold my hand
sensing belonging
who else would sieve through my hair
searching for feelings
who else would grace my eyes
looking for answers

who else would caress my temples
offering concern
who else would cuddle in my arms
resonating hope
who else would wrap around my waist
sharing closeness
who else would look into my heart
discovering paradise

none but someone... none but only one.

Truly
rhere's always a man like me ..... for someone

On playing nurse, stupid doctors...... and a stubborn fiance

Being a nurse is not easy... I salute all the nurses in the world, for their fortitude and patience, definitely one of the most grueling job ever.




I had my try being a nurse to my fiance since Thursday. She was down with some mild gastritis initially, and I took her to the clinic on Wednesday to sort it out.

But the problem came where she went for second opinion the next day, because the pain didn't go away. And the dumbass doctor prescribed her Ponstan, which worsen her problem. Now Ponstan is a multi purpose painkiller, can be used as an anti-inflammatory pill, and reduces bleeding for women having their period. I think that doctor had assumed that she was having a period, but the real problem is she was having gastritis. You see, Ponstan is also known as mefenamic acid. Simple equation --> acid + acid = bad_stomach. I didn't know that until she told me on Thursday morning, I would have stopped her if I knew.

So, 4 a.m. on Thursday I had to wake up and send her to the clinic again. This time, the doctor recognised that the first doctor also prescribed her antibiotics that is also acidic (Forgot the name). Adding to the equation again --> acid + acid + acid = even_badder_stomach. The doctor had advised her to stop the antibiotics, and will not prescribe her another one, afraid that a second type would cause complications. Somehow, my fiance misunderstood the advice, and continued taking the antibiotic... against my protest. Adding to the equation yet again --> acid + acid + acid + stubborn_fiance = totally_fucked_up_stomach.


By noon, her mild gastritis had turned into an ACUTE gastritis. Needless to say, she was so in pain, she cried the entire time.

I had to take half the day of to send her to the clinic AGAIN, where another doctor gave her an injection, prescribed some non-acidic painkillers, and some counter-gastric liquid.

Stayed with my fiance for the remaining day to nurse her. It was a heartbreaking moment to see the love of my life, flinching and wrenching and writhing in pain on the bed, cried and cried, puked so many times... it was terrible. She kept on asking me for the painkillers, but I denied her of it. We have to wait for a few hours for the anti-gastric liquid to take effect, because we don't want her to vomit the medicine out again. It was probably the worst 4 hours of her life...

But thanks be to God, it was worth the wait, cos' by night, after the taking the painkillers, the pain had subsided a lot, and finally she is able to walk and change into her pajamas. I left after 8 p.m. and was informed by her landlady (who was so kind, and made me some dinner) that she was asleep an hour later.

The next day, she was healthy as ever, and she was thankful for all I have done for her, and credited the speedy recovery to my attentive nursing. Somehow, I still feel bad, because I knew there was a problem and yet I didn't prevent it in time.

I've done and given my best... because that's all I can do. "And that's all I need. No one else could have done the same for me" she said.



She is stubborn. But that's what I'm for. I still love her. ^_^

Bloggy, bloggy blog

Blogging about blogging.

That sentence itself sounds funny to my ears. But lately i have been thinking about it. I'm typing with me eyes closed and just typing whatever comes to my head. Will look disorganized.

And that previous paragraph is what I'm going discuss now.

I've been thinking, that at the end of it, blogging divided to the following types:

1) Blogging for yourself
2) Blogging for others

At first, I started blogging for myself. This one in particular was started and suppose dto be a place where I rant about my break-up. I know that my ex wouldn't discover it anyway, so I don't care. But then again, if that's the case, why do I publish it online over the net? If I wanted it to be personal and secret, shouldn't I do it with my text editor and save it in my hard disk? Part of me wants her to read it someday? Hell no. Which makes me wonder why do I do it anyway?

I blog so that I may record whatever that happens in my life, so that i have something to look back and think that my life has been colorfuland is not all wasted times. I regret that during my school years that I have not taken much pictures. I have done a lotta shit, including being in the military band, joining the Wushu club, lead the group in the Chinese Instrumental club, my first and only basketball tournament, the memorable school drama, the 3 day long camp inthe the wet hills...etc. If i have a photobook to record them all, i will have a olourful history to look back and remind myself that yes, I have my own achievements and probably have left my mark in someone else's heart.

I started my other blog about Hello! Project stuff so that I can jot down my findings and news, to chart and record my mission on fidnding news about my dear Kago Ai, the suspended artiste because of a careless and irresponsible action.

but the blog went on, and become a place where I mostly write so that others may see it and always, i look forward for any feedback and comments, to know i have done something worthwhile.

I know iknow. some people use blogging as a way to express themselves, and to showcase their works. so that one day they may compike it into a book and sell em off. some budding writers use it and the social network to hopefully get recognse one day.

Do i blog so that i get recognised too? I say that I blog for myself, but why do ikeep checking for any user comments, and why do i keep checking back the site visitor statistics to see if my writings are what people want to read about?

yes there is a sense of acheivement to know that my writings are appreaciated, but didn't i start bloggin for myself? when did the chagne happen? I feel like i blog now for others. sharing is one thing, seeking attention is another.

read swifty's blog andhis posting of his MSN conversation with his partner. It's hard to blog for him because he is trying to get recognition, and hop that some people may form a community there.

Is blogging for self centrerd and narcisstic people?

is it suppose to be pastime? has the author or the readers taken the blog seriously?

i'm sleeppy right now, my eyes are totally closed, and i'm typing it off my my mind. i may open my eyes and see the tons of typingand grammar mistakes.

is this what people call emo bloggin?

in conclusion.... i forgot what's the conclusion may be.
oh yeah right.... where d oi go from heere? do i stilll continue to do what ever i have now? will my bloggin topics change? do i blog to get attetion?////


ok i am close to falling asleep while typing.... now that would be an intersting thing to happen. waking up hours later and conuing the rest of the post.... and say that oh, i have done something weird to day.. am i typing for sake of typing,? i hate being me.... no actually i am fine being the way i am.... i doubt that many others can survice life being me. then again, i also doubt anybody wants to be me..... i am not playing for this year's christmas carols with the carlling troupe. the need to find new blood to join the group/ coming bakc will only encourage them to slack .



aibon please come back.....
found lots of similarities between me and my fiance today.... i think found a "mirror site" of myself.... and that.... that's cool. (bites an apple)

will read my own post tomorrow morning.... interesting to see what i am capable of while talking when half asleep....

g'night... love and peace.

Hard Love ... and Hard to Love

I did the most craziest thing today... I gave my fiance a hard lesson on being independent. But after all that, I came home and wondered if I did the right thing or not?

I'm hard to love, because I'm all about hard love. I don't mind playing the bad guy, just as long others get the message that I'm trying to convey. Not that I'm being all self-righteous and all-knowing... but sometimes I go to the extreme just to make my point.

I can't say what was the exact situation that has taken place, but basically, I allowed myself to be caught in a problematic state, my plans for the night ruined, my work interrupted, everything I planned become absolute havoc... all because of a decision that she made. I don't blame her. She's been protected all her life, and is still unaffected by the harsh city life that we live in. It's one of the reasons that I fell in love with her. But I cannot, really cannot let her be too dependent on me for everything. So I set an example for her. Got all pissed off, showed my tantrums, before finally gave her advice, after letting her see the consequences of what she did... and hope she understands.

Like I said, it's hard love, and I am hard to love.

I know a story of a woman (a celebrity), who quit her job to be full-time housewife for her family, and was well protected by her malevolent husband. She gets all the attention and love that a husband can give, and was dependent on him for everything. Tragedy happened, that man died in a vehicular accident abruptly. Out of shock, she fell into a emotional trauma, not knowing how to continue her life without her husband. Things that her husband always do for her, including taking care of the kids, caretaking the household etc., now she have to do on her own, and she had a really hard time picking it up. Even begged people for money online, because her husband had not taken a life-insurance package, and she lost the notion of finding a job.

I'll be damned if my lovely wife-to-be have to suffer the same.

I lived my life, learning the hard way, to be independent on everything. I prefer to get my ass burned just to learn. I was educated from young on how difficult life is, the value of it. The scars I bear after the countless times I self-wounded myself with a pocket-knife shows it.

I'm not being pessimistic or dark-natured about life. I'm not being fearful of responsibility. I am not being fearful of people being dependent on me. But I want everyone around me to be able to carry on, even after I go to the Father above.

I worry a lot, and always, always think about the worst case scenario. I worry for my fiance, if she receives enough love and attention that I am able to give, even after we get married next year. I worry about my parents, who are already aging, and if I have done my responsibility as the eldest and only son, and if I elevated myself from being a burden for them. I worry for my unborn children, and if they receive the love and education that we can give. I worry about my sister in Japan, alone and struggling hard to survive, without the physical presence and support from her family. I worry for the company I work for, if it achieves its eventual target, and I fought to do my job to keep it running its course smoothly without any hiccups, even if it includes my sacrificing of my own career path for another colleague, even if I get a bad impression in the end.

I gave up my own future for my sister's sake to be able to fulfill her dreams. I gave up my own dreams in order to stay within our family's financial means. I gave up my plans for my own immediate future and gave up my personal principles and swallowed my pride, so that my fiance can have a wonderful wedding next year.

Only a handful of the people who knows me, knows about the existence of this blog. And nobody knows what I think most of the time, and so I became the bad guy, everytime. It's fine, as long I do my job. Which I think, is my Calling in life.

I'm all hard love, and even harder to love.


To everyone else... Have a nice day.

Love and Peace
jin ^_^

She still remembers...

I have a friend. She's the reason I started this blog in the first place (if you have read the early entries). Broke up with her 2 years ago now. And during the "healing period" time, I find myself not wanting to let her go. Very typical of me, I fall in love very slowly, and I fall out of it even slower. So it was tough.

She broke up with me, cos she thinks that she is not ready yet, and thought that it was unfair to me. (I'll tell you why later) I didn't see her as a women that I can love at first, but she was really, really a nice girl, and I see a lot of myself in her. The insecurity, the naiveness, the huge interest in music and composing... She had displayed lots of kindness towards me, that I have never experienced before, and I was touched. But perhaps that's what it was - just kindness.

I brought this misery to myself, for wooing her in the first place. I can't blame her for being shocked when I confessed my affection to her on my birthday 2 years ago. There was some tension between us after that, but I know, I had her attention already. So one day she told me, (something that I suspected a long time already), that she's a bit on the queer side. But I didn't mind and convinced her nevertheless, after much coaxing and I was happy, and proud. We went out and make out just like any other couple, and I can tell that she did enjoy her first experience of being with a man. But inside of her, she was still struggling with her other side. And finally broke up with me.

The many days after that, we remained friends, but I missed her terribly. I told her that I will be back again for her whenever she's ready. But then I grew tired of waiting. Why does it always have to be me making the changes and adapting my lifestyle to someone else'? I wanted someone who I can always be my goofy self, and someone who can understand my needs. I can't be waiting forever, I can't be ALWAYS the one waiting. And that's when I finally met my fiance. Quite a fascinating story on its own. Maybe I will blog it sometime.

On topic, she still remembers, I think. The times when we were together, when we broke up and when I told her that I'll be back. She always mentions it when we occasionally go out for a few drinks. The first one is always the hardest to forget. She's is still reminiscing about our times together. I felt like I have betrayed her sometimes. Even more so, when there was a time, she got drunk, called me up in the middle of the night, and poured her soul to me. Recently, she brought up the movie "The Breakup" starring Vince Vaughn and Jeniffer Aniston, over a cup of tea. I'm not dumb, I could see the hidden implications when she summarized her view on the movie. For a moment, I felt really bad. She's being more casual with me right now. And we're still good friends.

But hey, I am happy now and I have moved on. And so should she. I sincerely hope that someday she finds someone else who can her give all the love and all the things that I wanted to give her myself, and much, much more. And that she should receive her rightful happiness that she deserved.

Heart of the Matter

Have you chosen any theme song that you'd listen to when you broke up with your man/woman? Everyone has. Somehow most people would have a song or two that they can relate to.... that tells of the story of their love relationship. A song that acts as a reminder, or a nostalgic attachment. I chose Heart of the Matter by Don Henley. I've always loved this song for a long time, and it came to my head the moment she said those words.

Before i met her, it's bad enough that this song would bring tears in my eyes everytime I listen to it.... now it gets worse. The intro and the outro guitar riffs put a *thump* straight into my chest and my eyes will well up with tears........

Heart of the Matter - Don Henley, Eagles

I got the call today, I didn't wanna hear
But I know that it would come
An old true friends of ours was talkin on the phone
she said you've found someone
And I thought of all the bad luck
and the struggles we went through
how I lost me, and you lost you
What are all these voices outside love's open door
make us throw out our contentment
and beg for something more?

I'm learning to live without you now
but I miss you sometimes
The more I know, the less I understand
All the things I thought I knew
I'm learning again
I've tryin to get down
to the heart of the matter
but my will gets weak
and my thoughts seems to scatter
But I think it's about forgiveness
forgiveness
even if, even if you don't love me anymore...

Ahh, these times are so uncertain
there's a yearning undefined
...people filled with rage
We all need a little tenderness
How can love survive in such a graceless age
The trust and self-assurance that can lead to happiness
They're the very thing we kill, I guess
Pride and competition cannot fill these empty arms
And the work I put between us
it doesn't keep me warm...

I'm learning to live without you now
but I miss you baby
The more I know, the less I understand
All the things I thought I figured out
I have to learn again
I've been tryin to get down
to the heart of the matter
but everything changes
and my friends seems to scatter
But I think it's about forgiveness
forgiveness
even if, even if you don't love me anymore...

There are people in your life, who've come and gone
They let you down , you know they hurt your pride
you better put it all behind you, babe
cos' life goes on
you keep carrying that anger, it'll eat you up inside, baby...

I've been tryin to get down
to the heart of the matter
but my will gets weak
and my thoughts seems to scatter
But I think it's about forgiveness
forgiveness
even if, even if you don't love me ...

I've been tryin to get down
to the heart of the matter
but the flesh gets weak
and the ashes will scatter
But I think it's about forgiveness
forgiveness
even if, even if you don't love me ...
anymore...

Filtering friends...

Sometimes after a break up many people tend to remember and start counting - how many friends do you really have. There's a way to determine which one is your closest friends.

For example:

When you tell your friends about your breakup with your boyfriend/girlfriend, do your friends:
1) remain silent, but feels sorry for you
2) feels really sorry for you, and has said it
3) tries to console you in any way possible, even though you didn't expect it
4) buys you a drink, takes you out for a dance/party
5) tells you to get over it and forget about him/her
6) tells you to get over it , and starts to brag about "this guy/chick i know in the office"
7) no reaction, but pats you on the shoulder gently, and smiles in consolation
8) no reaction at all




....well,....there are no standards or rules set on how one filter one's "true friends" from the garbage friends . It really depends on you. And what you expect from them, and them you.

Love and therapy

I've missused a word to describe myself, .... I'm not a psychiatrist, just a therapist. A NAIVE therapist to the effect. I'll tell you why later.

I've just listened to the whinings of a passenger who's sitting beside me on a bus journey back to my hometown. Somehow he just told me about his business, his frustations and how it has affected his family. The trick? I just kept quiet. That's it! You don't have to be very charismatic and influencial to get people to talk. I remember from an article that says something about dealing with friends --> "Sometimes the best way to be a friend, is to keep quiet". And I think it's quite true. Remember how Robin Williams got Matt Damon to talk in 'Good Will Hunting'? He just kept quiet, and the 'Will' character won't talk, for 60 minutes of therapy session.... everyday. Until, one day Will breaks down and started talking (not before some few arguments). It's a surefire technic.

Back to business, how does the ability of listening and basic therapy knowledge help and involve in a love relationship. The answer is 'nothing'. I have a crush in an Indian girl years back, and stupid of me, I didn't take any action and let a Punjabi fellow get to her first. And almost everyday she will call me and tells me how stupid her boyfriend is, how inconsiderate, how uncaring,.... "I wanna break up!!" ...... and last one will be the next topic I shall start about. On topic, do not think that being there for someone who is in the middle of a heartbreak situation can guarantee you some pussy. It doesn't work all the time. Some of them just want to whine and cry about it to someone, and not expecting anything from it. In fact, those same "some of them" will be as jolly as a bird the next day, and went straight back to the uncaring and heartbreaking bastards. This girl here, knows how much I care for her in a more-than-friendship level, yet she still comes to me when she's down. I will do my entire best to cheer her up, giving advises after advises, telling her that her boyfriend is "not really that bad, you know" and stuff. She will cry and she will shout, and then she will smile again. But after all that she leaves, leaving me heartbroken everytime...

It's been years since I last saw her. News has it, that she's getting married this year. Not to the same Punjabi fellow, but a Singaporean. She rarely calls me now. I guess she FINALLY realised it. I'm not saying that it's bad to have an attachment to someone to whine to, but at least show some appreciation with pussywords at least, to someone who has been there for you when you're down, and to draw the line before any emotions are stirred.

.....but I will never ever touch another Indian woman again.....