Wednesday, November 29, 2006

Hard Love ... and Hard to Love

I did the most craziest thing today... I gave my fiance a hard lesson on being independent. But after all that, I came home and wondered if I did the right thing or not?

I'm hard to love, because I'm all about hard love. I don't mind playing the bad guy, just as long others get the message that I'm trying to convey. Not that I'm being all self-righteous and all-knowing... but sometimes I go to the extreme just to make my point.

I can't say what was the exact situation that has taken place, but basically, I allowed myself to be caught in a problematic state, my plans for the night ruined, my work interrupted, everything I planned become absolute havoc... all because of a decision that she made. I don't blame her. She's been protected all her life, and is still unaffected by the harsh city life that we live in. It's one of the reasons that I fell in love with her. But I cannot, really cannot let her be too dependent on me for everything. So I set an example for her. Got all pissed off, showed my tantrums, before finally gave her advice, after letting her see the consequences of what she did... and hope she understands.

Like I said, it's hard love, and I am hard to love.

I know a story of a woman (a celebrity), who quit her job to be full-time housewife for her family, and was well protected by her malevolent husband. She gets all the attention and love that a husband can give, and was dependent on him for everything. Tragedy happened, that man died in a vehicular accident abruptly. Out of shock, she fell into a emotional trauma, not knowing how to continue her life without her husband. Things that her husband always do for her, including taking care of the kids, caretaking the household etc., now she have to do on her own, and she had a really hard time picking it up. Even begged people for money online, because her husband had not taken a life-insurance package, and she lost the notion of finding a job.

I'll be damned if my lovely wife-to-be have to suffer the same.

I lived my life, learning the hard way, to be independent on everything. I prefer to get my ass burned just to learn. I was educated from young on how difficult life is, the value of it. The scars I bear after the countless times I self-wounded myself with a pocket-knife shows it.

I'm not being pessimistic or dark-natured about life. I'm not being fearful of responsibility. I am not being fearful of people being dependent on me. But I want everyone around me to be able to carry on, even after I go to the Father above.

I worry a lot, and always, always think about the worst case scenario. I worry for my fiance, if she receives enough love and attention that I am able to give, even after we get married next year. I worry about my parents, who are already aging, and if I have done my responsibility as the eldest and only son, and if I elevated myself from being a burden for them. I worry for my unborn children, and if they receive the love and education that we can give. I worry about my sister in Japan, alone and struggling hard to survive, without the physical presence and support from her family. I worry for the company I work for, if it achieves its eventual target, and I fought to do my job to keep it running its course smoothly without any hiccups, even if it includes my sacrificing of my own career path for another colleague, even if I get a bad impression in the end.

I gave up my own future for my sister's sake to be able to fulfill her dreams. I gave up my own dreams in order to stay within our family's financial means. I gave up my plans for my own immediate future and gave up my personal principles and swallowed my pride, so that my fiance can have a wonderful wedding next year.

Only a handful of the people who knows me, knows about the existence of this blog. And nobody knows what I think most of the time, and so I became the bad guy, everytime. It's fine, as long I do my job. Which I think, is my Calling in life.

I'm all hard love, and even harder to love.

To everyone else... Have a nice day.

Love and Peace
jin ^_^

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