Stop

Stop

Trio of thoughts, Part 1 - What I am sick of...

You now what motivates me? At this moment... it's a million dollars. US Dollars. I hear the Ringgit-US$ exchange have gone past the 3.50 mark already. So that's jolly good... we are doomed.

Money motivates me now. A million bucks would motivate me lots. Money would definitely solve all my problems. Get me out of this country, or get me a better life. Either way, it will definitely be good.

I am so sick and tired of being poor everyday. I am sick of being drained 75% of my bank account to pay off bills and rent, 3 days after my paycheck.

I am sick of wondering what I am going to eat today, because it will affect how much left I get to spend for the next few days. I am sick having only one meal per day, only drinks for breakfast and lunch.

I am sick of budgeting my driving trips because of the petrol hike, and carefully measuring the amount kilometers that I am able travel per ringgit.

I am sick of looking into my wallet and letting out a big sigh, because I know I am never going to get to buy that damn DVD-ROM for my PC(that has been eluding me for years now), upgrade my PC, buying the next single release from Morning Musume, fix my car, reinstall the radio/CD-player(that was stolen 2 years ago) in my car...

I am sick of not being able to save money in my many years living in the big city. I am sick of working with this ridiculous salary when I'm already pushing 30.

I am sick of instant noodles. I am sick of canned food. I am sick of being unable to get out of my fucking situation.

I am sick people telling me "Hey! You lost weight!", and I have no choice but to respond with a smile, instead of telling them that it is definitely not because I have enrolled in a gym.

I am sick of getting ill all the time. I am of my bad back killing me everyday. I am sick of my headache bugging me everyday. I am sick of my stiff neck torturing me everyday. I am sick of never being able to feel healthy for one freakin' day.... anymore

I am sick of people dragging me out of my lair for accompaniment, despite how many times I have hinted at them on my current financial status. I am sick of people bothering me, despite how many times I have hinted at them on my current health status.

I am sick of stupid people.

I am sick of having to bear the terrible feeling of letting myself down, that I have broken my own principles just to fulfill my other half's wish of getting married earlier. I am sick of having forced to ask for loan from my parents for that. I am sick of harbouring the feeling that I have been cheated into doing this shit. I am sick that after all my sacrifices, it doesn't seem to change anything, nor change anyone.

I am sick of having the feeling that I have achieved nothing for God, only worrying about my material needs, and I will definitely go to hell for it.

I am sick of having nowhere to find solitude and rest, only to express them in writing, on this blog...

I am sick and tired of the government and their controlled press media, wanting to censor every piece of shit just to make them look good. I am sick of them picking on their OWN people to save their own face, instead of going directly to the source of the problem and....err.... okay I just slipped that last one in. I feel better now, actually. :)


Have a great day ahead. Peace ^_^

A new blogging beginning.... or the end of it all?

Well, that felt better... so here we go.

Blogging about blogging ..... yet again?
Nay... it's related. But it's more than that. Free style typing away here...

I've been thinking, what was the theme of this blog?

Yes, it's a personal blog. But everything I blog here are completely random. Some of them are just blogging for the sake of blogging. I hate doing things that doesn't have a definitive direction.

But then again, if I blog whatever I want, this blog will be closed down in no time.

I live in Malaysia, and for the benefit of non-Malaysians, this is not a place where you can practice freedom of speech. Everything is controlled, even the media.

Recent news about serveral top Malaysian bloggers being served the lawsuit because they wrote articles or parodies that probably criticized the government, poked fun at politics, or anything seemingly negative at all. And after a certain somebody kicked out a few key journalist of a certain newspaper, took on the role of chief editor, he started to bring out his weapons of pens and paper and begin throw lawsuits towards the aforementioned bloggers for libel.

And even for the previous statement, as cloudy and obscure as I try to make it, will probably land me lawsuit in no time. Then again, does anyone really care to do so?

I envy USA, where even David Letterman openly criticize President Bush on national television. Here, speak of anything negative, you get thrown to the lockup, or face the courtroom. Should I be more wary of what I blog? I don't think so. Because I don't think I am that influential as a writer or blogger. What I would eventually blog about, no matter how damaging the contents may be, may not change the society nor affect anyone. I don't matter. Unless I'm a member of the parliament or a renowned individual, then the stories will fly in all directions, and lawyers will visit my home.

I hate politics. Don't get me wrong, politics is important, as does the complex concept of country governing. If I were a politician, I make sure my policies count and benefit those who voted for me because of their confidence in me. But I'm not.

If I do discuss about politics, nothing positive would come out of it. Being a citizen of a country such as ours have its benefits, but when you are able to see past all the glorious twin skyscrapers, our mamak-circus astronauts, the "Malaysia Boleh" chants, you will find nothing but a decaying and hopeless dot in the world map called Malaysia.

Now you see what I mean by "nothing positive"? If not, here's more...

Think about it, we cast our votes and hopes to our local political parties campaigning so hot with lots of promises, then we get them breathing fire back at us. Breaking their promises, enacting ridiculous laws, hiking the taxes and tolls, and barring our basic civil rights in terms of freedom of religion choice, freedom of speech ... etc. Four years later, these same people come back for the elections and expect to vote for them again. For what? We know what they are going to do already. The system is all wrong. How on earth are we suppose to be hopeful?

Maybe I can write about the current events. But am I in touch with the current events to blog about them. It doesn't matter actually. Heck, I don't even care about them. Everything about it has something to do about politics.

The story I covered about the fanatical and mindless Muslims gathering in our church in Silibin over a silly SMS, protesting over a ceremony that has nothing to do with them? Politics.

The news about the government stating that they have no objections about our citizens joining the Highly Skilled Migration Programme to UK? About the same government who are more interested in promoting this year's Visit Malaysia Year 2007 and building that multi-million dollar copycat ferriswheel, instead of finding ways to retain our citizens by spending that same amount of money to improve the educational system? Politics.

The statement from the government warning hawkers not to hike the price of vegetables using the recent flood as an excuse? Do these fellas even know basic economics of demand and supply before saying that? Politics.

The fact that our police stations are so unequipped and under-facilitated , and yet the government expects the police officers to be self-motivated to be more dutiful to their job? The fact that the police officers are bashed for their corrupt ways instead of taking into consideration that most of these officers are living a hard life, to a point of being unable to even afford a proper apartment, or vehicles that are not Kancils? Politics.

The fact that even the Malays blame their own government for maintaining the "Bumiputra benefits" ...err...I mean the NEP... over the years? The fact that these benefits only benefit the few wealthy individuals of the country, and not the majority? The fact condos and apartments take even longer to sell because them bumis don't even have the cash to buy them despite having the NEP advantage? The fact that these benefits do nothing but making them even lazier? Politics.

The hiking of the toll fares? Politics.

The Singapore-Malaysia bridge? Politics.

The Petronas Twin Towers? Politics.



That silly scratching coupon parking system in Ipoh? Politics.

Ya know, with all these stuff happening, it becomes uninteresting on bloggin about our local news most times. In fact, it is so easy to assume what goes behind the curtains whenever the government (city, state or country) tries to implement ... err... whatever. Just think negative, and you will be able to connect the dots.

I believe in being hopeful, that there may just be some politicians that are not as corrupt as we think they are. But for the past close to 3 decades of my life, I must say this - nothing on this land makes me proud of who I am, and what I have become.


This is why I am happily blogging about the Japanese entertainment scene on my other blog, talking about my wedding preparations here, comparing my facial similarities with celebrities, and talking about a freakin' pizza restaurant in Australia...... all of this while our brothers and sisters are suffering in the east coast because of the floods.

This will be the last blog post I will make that consists of rants and complains. Because,... the more I think about our country, the more depressed I get. There is nothing worth blogging about it. Nothing at all.

Oh, the new them about this blog? Anything of entertainment value, thought provoking essays, personal projects.... just as long it has nothing to do with things that depresses me. But forgive me if I cut in once in a while to rant. We have to kind to ourselves and do something therapeutic once in a while, no?

Other than that. Have a nice day.... Peace. ^_^

Then, it's my turn....

It's my turn to be ill. Bleh. :(

Was down with flu on Sunday. Now it's my fiance's turn to nurse me. Being me, I hate to be treated like a kid, but I must say that... I kinda liked it. Sponge bath... mmMMMmmm~~~... ^_^ \(^0^)/ :)
(Not a full body bath, but just enough.)

Nothing much to say, just that I always hated being ill, or down with anything at all. Going "Cmon... I can't be THAT weak!" everytime. But at least, now I can rest easy, now that I know I have someone to take care of me.

Will update me blogs when I am better.

Have a good day. Peace ^_^

Merry Christmas to Everyone! ^_^

Merry Christmas to everyone!

Had a great Christmas morning. Usually I don't look forward to Christmas mornings, because I have to get up early in the morning to prepare for mass. I prefer lazing around me bed, wrapping myself in my blanket in the cold, and chilly morning. But it was worth the trouble.

Actually we saw some great things in church since yesterday. Last night we went for the usual weekend sunset mass. And where we sat, a young lady had pushed in an old man, with tubes still attached to his nostrils and wrists. He was clearly half dazed there, but I think he knows where he was. I've seen this old soul before, he was always there at the right wing, in a wheelchair pushed by his daughter (presumably) but this was the first time I saw him in half-conscious state and with tubes. Father Rudy (redemptorist priest from OMPH) descended from the altar and came to his wheelchair for a special blessing for him, which afterwards he addressed to the congregation that THIS was a miracle and an example to be learned. His message in his sermon and closing homily is to look deep in our hearts for a reason, to find joy even during our darkest times. This, I agree very much... only a couple of days since I posted the story of my injury history, and Father Rudy pretty much summed it up for me.

This morning, more elderly, blind, and sickly people came for the Christmas morning mass. Father Michael Cheah was more than glad to come down from the altar as well, to present the Eucharist to those who have trouble moving around. Mama said to me that she wished that Ah Poh (grandma), though sickly, could have done the same. Ah, but... I know Jesus would have came to her room anyway. Though it could have been good for her to come to church, which she didn't for the last how-many years. Excuses? I don't know, that's between God and her.

I called up an old friend from Catechism class after mass, and set up a meeting with her. Gosh, she was still as beautiful as the last time I met her. She's single now. Anyone who wants her number can call me, but please remember to attach a cheque thereafter.

Then I called up another dude who was supposed to meet up with me for drinks last week. Haven't met him for some time already. So I'm roping him in, because we were Catechism classmates too (as is my fiance). This will be a cool reunion. ^_^



However, my Christmas present was given away. That was the only casualty.

The gramaphone that I wanted to pick up during this weekend, was given away to some fellow. It seems that the new owner of our old house gave the gramaphone set to the contractor (who was renovating the house), and in turn shipping it to another person. Papa and Mama was throwing blames at each other, while I, though disappointed, said that's it's fine. Shouldn't really claim back an item that was given away, sounds silly anyway. Papa was adamant, in spite of me asking him to give up, he stubbornly asked the new owner for numbers so that he can try to get it back. What a bloody waste of time.

I was cool about it, really. But what pisses me off is that Papa putting up some effort when it was already GONE. If something was to be done, it could have been in AUGUST, when I said I wanted it. Now it's making our family look like a bunch of laughing stock. *sigh*. I blame myself for not taking charge of the situation. Maybe the gramaphone set would have been around if I asked for the numbers a couple months back.

Now, I'm blogging, Papa's in the kitchen washing something and Mama's sweeping the hall. We're all obviously in a bad mood, and we're finding something to do, just to occupy our mind. :)
.... Well, you gain some,.... you lose some.... :)
Overall it's a good Christmas. Hope you had a merry one too.


Happy Holidays everyone!
Peace to all ^_^

Bloggy, Bloggy Blog - the test results

Actually, me typing while I'm halfway to slumberland, had a purpose to it. It's just a experiment to test how my mind works while I'm half asleep. There's a reason for this, and I'll explain later. Overall, I find the results quite... interesting, to say the least.

I typed the entire thing with my eyes closed, leaned back on my chair, both my hands extended over the keyboard, and typed away whatever comes to my mind. Just kept on typing, not sure if I DID really fall asleep at any point. And then, I forced my eyes open, without even reading the the blogs contents, squinting and struggling to find the "PUBLISH" button, clicked it, checked the clock, turned off the monitor, and jumped straight to bed. ^_^

As a result: 40 minutes of texts, and a blog post of random thoughts. I remember pausing in between paragraphs, but I seriously do not remember more than 50% of what I typed. Especially the Carlito Caribbean Cool quote of "That's cool" part. ^_^ For the most part, I am surprised that I am still able to do bit of formatting even though all I see is blackness.


The reason
I am conducting a simple but crude experiment to find out what ticks me, and what drives me. By being in a state of half-asleep, I am attempting to tap into my sub-conscious mind to see what is hidden at the back of my head. Usually you can do that by meditating quietly or lucid dreaming. But we're in the Information Age... let's do it cyber-punk style. ^_^
Do not underestimate the sub-conscious mind. I remember the time that when I spent days arranging and composing a song, I got a lukewarm response. But when I wrote another song with minimal arrangement, in the wee hours of the morning, sleepy and tired, spent less than 15 minutes on it,... the song was praised and noted. I think that we are at our most creative and innovative self, when you are able to dig inside your heart and soul, and express it so that others may feel whatever touches you and is dear to you personally.
.... probably that's why some musicians over-indulge themselves with alcohol and crack. Not that I am encouraging it, of course...


The production analysis
1)WYThIWYTy
Stands for "What You Think Is What You Type". And I think that I think in organized point-form manner. Scary... over the years of watching and analysing people, my mindset has warped to a point that I possibly conduct thesis and personality analysis on every person I meet. If I had taken classes on NLP (Neuro Linguistic Programming), I would have either have a full head of white hair by now, or I am completed bald due to falling of hair.

2)WYTyIWYTh
Stands for "What You Type Is What You Think". I am able to express myself by just typing on the keyboard. I can be as one with the computer... Which is another way of saying that I am getting more nerdy than I think.

3) Repeating myself too much
19 words of part of words containing the word "blog". I'm getting old. And it's usually something I worry the most, which brings to the next point:

4) I ask too many questions
18 questions marks (?). Meaning I think too much and worry too much.


The content analysis
In summary, I worry a lot. That I know, but always I lost track on what I worried about. On content, I think that I have a lot on my mind with regards to blogging. I didn't talk much about my personal stuff or my Jpop stuff. I had regrets (that I did not record those memorable things on polaroid and paper) about my past, and I have not sought to reconcile with them. Probably, I am currently attempting to use this blog to overcome it. Along the way, I challenged myself with some other goals, like having at least 1 blog post every 2 days so that I don't get lazy,... but maybe got side-tracked just a little. Finally, realised that even though I always say that I do not mind what others think of me, my subconscious mind thought otherwise. However, I am certain that what I do mind is how my actions affect other people.


THE CONCLUSION:
- Created 2 blog posts of unscientific material (because I ran out of normal blog topics)
- Learned some new things about myself (because I rarely sit and reflect my actions)
- I lead a dual-life, and has kept it separated as much as possible (When I'm offline, I do not think about my incoming email. When I'm online, I do not want to be bothered by anyone)
- Need to check my English grammar before publishing posts (...yup, that's it.)
- Need to use less first person contexts e.g. I, my, me, myself ...etc (Don't wanna sound narcissistic)
- I sound like a crackpot when I'm half asleep (my fiance can testify to that)
- I have less work in office currently (have more time to think of crazy blog ideas like this)
- I need to backup my blogs soon (in case, the Blogger database server catches fire)
- UFA needs to bring Aibon back (Ok, I just sneaked this one in...)

Have a nice day. Peace ^_^

Bloggy, bloggy blog

Blogging about blogging.

That sentence itself sounds funny to my ears. But lately i have been thinking about it. I'm typing with me eyes closed and just typing whatever comes to my head. Will look disorganized.

And that previous paragraph is what I'm going discuss now.

I've been thinking, that at the end of it, blogging divided to the following types:

1) Blogging for yourself
2) Blogging for others

At first, I started blogging for myself. This one in particular was started and suppose dto be a place where I rant about my break-up. I know that my ex wouldn't discover it anyway, so I don't care. But then again, if that's the case, why do I publish it online over the net? If I wanted it to be personal and secret, shouldn't I do it with my text editor and save it in my hard disk? Part of me wants her to read it someday? Hell no. Which makes me wonder why do I do it anyway?

I blog so that I may record whatever that happens in my life, so that i have something to look back and think that my life has been colorfuland is not all wasted times. I regret that during my school years that I have not taken much pictures. I have done a lotta shit, including being in the military band, joining the Wushu club, lead the group in the Chinese Instrumental club, my first and only basketball tournament, the memorable school drama, the 3 day long camp inthe the wet hills...etc. If i have a photobook to record them all, i will have a olourful history to look back and remind myself that yes, I have my own achievements and probably have left my mark in someone else's heart.

I started my other blog about Hello! Project stuff so that I can jot down my findings and news, to chart and record my mission on fidnding news about my dear Kago Ai, the suspended artiste because of a careless and irresponsible action.

but the blog went on, and become a place where I mostly write so that others may see it and always, i look forward for any feedback and comments, to know i have done something worthwhile.

I know iknow. some people use blogging as a way to express themselves, and to showcase their works. so that one day they may compike it into a book and sell em off. some budding writers use it and the social network to hopefully get recognse one day.

Do i blog so that i get recognised too? I say that I blog for myself, but why do ikeep checking for any user comments, and why do i keep checking back the site visitor statistics to see if my writings are what people want to read about?

yes there is a sense of acheivement to know that my writings are appreaciated, but didn't i start bloggin for myself? when did the chagne happen? I feel like i blog now for others. sharing is one thing, seeking attention is another.

read swifty's blog andhis posting of his MSN conversation with his partner. It's hard to blog for him because he is trying to get recognition, and hop that some people may form a community there.

Is blogging for self centrerd and narcisstic people?

is it suppose to be pastime? has the author or the readers taken the blog seriously?

i'm sleeppy right now, my eyes are totally closed, and i'm typing it off my my mind. i may open my eyes and see the tons of typingand grammar mistakes.

is this what people call emo bloggin?

in conclusion.... i forgot what's the conclusion may be.
oh yeah right.... where d oi go from heere? do i stilll continue to do what ever i have now? will my bloggin topics change? do i blog to get attetion?////


ok i am close to falling asleep while typing.... now that would be an intersting thing to happen. waking up hours later and conuing the rest of the post.... and say that oh, i have done something weird to day.. am i typing for sake of typing,? i hate being me.... no actually i am fine being the way i am.... i doubt that many others can survice life being me. then again, i also doubt anybody wants to be me..... i am not playing for this year's christmas carols with the carlling troupe. the need to find new blood to join the group/ coming bakc will only encourage them to slack .



aibon please come back.....
found lots of similarities between me and my fiance today.... i think found a "mirror site" of myself.... and that.... that's cool. (bites an apple)

will read my own post tomorrow morning.... interesting to see what i am capable of while talking when half asleep....

g'night... love and peace.

Net Connection Down

Net connection down since yesterday, and just so happens that there was a problem with one the servers that I have been monitoring at work is down. Had to rush to the nearest internet cafe to solve it. I feel so paralyzed.

Oh I know how much I'm dependent on my net connection, but it sucks every time it happens. I was offline with my PC, and I'm staring at the monitor screen wondering, "what the heck am I going to do now?"

Damn...

I'm typing this from my office. Will be going down to the service centre tonight to settle the problem. If I had known that the centre was open on Sunday, I won't be having this terrible mood now.

Double damn...

No holidays? No matter...

It's a long public holiday here. Saturday was Deepavali, Tuesday and Wednesday was Hari Raya. Monday was offday/forced leave. Long holiday, so I can relax, right?

Wrong. I was on standby to make sure my company's customer websites are up and running. Self implemented standby, because I was sure something wrong would happen and that I'm not going back hometown anyway. Seem like my decision was right, so much problem happened for one particular customer that we have to keep a close lookout.

Other than that, I was on my H!P blog doing some updates, and I'm not even finished. But it was fun. Hadn't patrolled the japanese sites that aggresive before, but I wanted updates. Updates on H!P news and my beloved Aibon...

Uploaded another guitar song in youtube.com. Some people did actually liked my performances, so I was glad. My next goal was to produce a much better video, because so far it's all muffled and the bass sounded too mellowed. Gotta wait for my thumb fingernail to grow, get a better speaker and a better mic. Why? Because it's much cheaper than getting a new digital camera.

I had a draft post where I would discuss about the whole Lim Kuan Yew's comment and apology about bringing up the "marginalization of the Chinese in Malaysia". But I changed my mind. After reading the draft, I was sure I'd get into trouble for publishing it. I have my own take on it, and it's not pretty. Not for both Malays and non-Malays. It's just an unending debate, both parties are wrong in certain areas. No point arguing over it. Basically, what I can mention is: Do Not Say Anything If You Don't Have Anything Good to Say. Seriously. It's the same as our Pope's case.. Anytime, when it's about religion or racism, it's always sensitive. Should never bringing up unless you have a strong agenda you want to act on and you have strong points. Apologizing afterwards will only embarass you and make the other party look good (for the wrong reasons).

Calm Before the Storm...

No updates these days. Nothing much happened during the week... well actually there are some things. But I've been busy at work. Sometimes I take the work home with me so I can have dreams about it that night. Last night I had another one, couldn't remember what it was, but there was a dateline involved. I hate it when I dream about some work and I finished it there, but when I wake up and go to work I have to redo it all over again. *sigh*

There are some things that came my way, I've gained a couple of technical tricks that could be useful for me in the future.

So overall, it's been pretty calm during the past few days. Been a routine week -> wake up, go to work, go home, have dinner, and sleep. Yep, not even the energy to go online. All I wanted to do is rest, rest ,rest...

We all know about the 'calm before the storm' thing, so being the pessimist that I am, I am expecting some kind of trouble coming my way. I'm almost sure it's either one of the two things: something to do with work, and something to do with my dear Aibon (cos I had a dream about her a few days ago). Welp, it's time to go hunting for information about her now. Could be another bad omen...

SoooOOOoo.... maybe now I'll find a time to continue and record my other guitar transpositions, and post it up this weekend.

Room Flooded...

One thing leading to another... I'm so tired of it.

Last night my room was flooding with water again. But at least I know how now. It's not the first time this has happened. During every heavy thunderstorm, rain water will seep into my room and flood half of my room. At first I thought it was the windows, and I took the pain of blocking the sills with some cloth, newspaper and shirt. However, I finally found out that it did not come in from there - it came in from a crack between the sill and the wall. At 3 places. Up till now, I wasn't in my room when it happens. So at least the mystery is solved. Solution? Get some cement mortar from landlady and block that brother up. When I have time of course.

Well, I will have to tolerate it for a while, I'll be moving out in a few months anyway.

I Need More Space...

Yeah, I'm still awake. Doing some office work. Serves me right for forgetting some routines that I'm not supposed to. Oh well, everything seems to be fine, so I'll be back to my bed now.

On topic, I've been downloading stuff from Hello!Online. And I'm running out of disk space soon. Yeah I should have burned them to CDs, but that would mean I will be taking my files off the torrent seeds. I've downloaded much videos and laughter for my sake, thought I'd return the favor. Well, until a certain time, I will have to relocate them files. But I still need more disk space!

I have a spare hard disk lying around. It's from my other PC. It's supposed to be spoilt, but I thought I'd attempt to salvage it. I gots tonnes of treasure in there. All the songs I've composed are in there, also my 3D animations and projects that I've worked on last time.

Now if I only have the time to do so.... don't mind me adding that I ALSO NEED MORE TIME!!

Peace ^_^

kawaiiNation and Me is Back...

All is well again. The virus apparently wasn't sent to me on purpose. That friend of mine contacted me personally via email, says that the Trojan/worm infected his IM application, and has sent itself to all of his contacts. Well, I guess it's all just a misunderstanding. Respect to him, for taking the pain to try to sieve out my email address to clear things up.

In that same email, he brought a few other things, so apparently some thorns have not been cleared up yet and the scars have not all been healed yet. Perhaps I need to go back to say that we are all still cool and can continue to be friends.

I'm starting to have lots of things on my plate. Too much work and stuff. But I'll be back there. Just as soon as things cleared up a little.

Kawaiination is No More...

Well, I changed my mind. I'm not going back to kawaiiNation after all.

I PMed an old friend there, to see if he is OK to chat. So he did, went on Messenger, said hi, and sent me a file and logged out. I clicked on it to open - only to find that there's a virus attached to it. Now normally I wouldn't do such a thing, but he had my confidence and trust so I naively clicked on it. Thank goodness it didn't infect my machine which is a linux box, but I'm worried that it will make its way to the Windows partition, which is... I think is unlikely.

We had some bickering before I left kawaiiNation, but it shouldn't end up like this. If it was a prank, it's certainly not funny at all. Not to any system admin.

*sigh* I guess I better put them in my past and move on. So sad that it had to end up this way. Am tempted to track his IP down and return the favor, but I am too old for these games now. He can have his victory, if he enjoys it. Have started to remove all my references of my account from that site, and removing them from my bookmarks. I won't edit my blog posts, so you guys can stil click-through if you want, it's still a great site so take advantage of that. It's some people that you gotta be careful of.

Peace ^_^

Kawaiination and me...

A few years ago I joined a web community called kawaiiNation. It's where we lounge around looking for softcore pictures of japanese girls, and create lots of discussion around the topic of that one thing that is our common interest - Japanese Girls.

I can't say that I am a pervert, but basically we say you're a pervert when you look at nudie pictures of girls, consistently and religiously. So yeah, I guess I .... was. ^_^ What? Stop rolling your eyes, I still love girls, but the level has toned down a lot, ya know. On topic, it was really fun being there. That was the first webcommunity I have every joined.

Why was this web forum deemed enough to start a blog post about? Basically, it's all nostalgia, and lots of history - good times and bad times. It's the one place that has a place in my heart forever.

The thing that attracted me to this forum in the first place was the pictures. I am a big Japan-holic guy since young, so I was the only one in my neighbourhood looking for pictures of Japanese idols, while my friends are oogling Jennifer, Britney, Christina and the gang. What's more addicting are the members. Each one have truly fantastic persona and character. It was a great experience to interact with them with on a regular basis on our common interest.

Over the years, we managed to collect an archive of links to websites with galleries of Japanese girls of all genre - schoolgirls, models, amateurs, pros, idols, gravure, softcore, b-grades... you name it. It was really impressive. Remember this was back in the day where torrents wasn't around and Kazaa really sucks. But one thing for sure - "No Hardcore". So you never see any pornography nor genitalia at all. It's one thing we're really proud of, and that we know how to set ourselves aside from the rest of the world. Eventually, with the arrival of newer members, our horizon was broadened to outside of Japan. I remember we debated on whether we should keep our forum solely for Japanese or at least to East Asia only. But we opened up the market anyway to cater other interests.

After some time, I was recruited to be one of the moderators to oversee the maintainance of the site. Maintaining the site was a difficult job. You see, what makes this place unique is that we encourage on having more 'quality' postings, so one liners are considered spam. We wanted the forum to be different from the others, where the members are required to be more active, intelligent and creative when they submit posts. Flamings are also a taboo. At the end of the day, we have ourselves a site where everyone are courteous, user participation paramount, and great pictures for all. Obviously, this have led to some members branding us as being snobbish and holier-than-thou. Some who claimed to be veterans at other forums blasted us for our policies. But they are just minor, they went away later seeing that they could not do anything to change us. In my opinion, they are just jealous to see us growing so fast and so consistent, and still able to maintain ourselves a great reputation as an informative forum with great members. They just failed to notice the key thing to our unity. We are not only friends, we can be as close as family members. In fact two members found their soul-mate in this very place and got married.

Among some of the key things that we gained there was our net-crawling prowess. We have developed some tricks and techniques of crawling the net with the help of only search engines and stuff. We come to a point that we can also identify the girls just by looking at the boobs. We even know their interests and personal information like blood type and favourite book. Are our obsession too crazy? Well, don't be surprised, it's just the same as being able to recite the entire active roster of your favourite football team and their hobbies. My role there, until I left, was to moderate the forum, provide Japanese translations, help identify forums and such.

So why did I leave? After some time, there are many times I find that the site just became passive. Most of the postings consisted of the regular members which is only handful. The old members have left, we are struggling, desperate for more active members. We have more lurkers than participants. And with our filtering policies running, we couldn't even get spams sometimes. Generic members are feeling too intimidated to post. SO, I figured that it was probably my time to go, to have more room for "new blood" to come in.

Plus, I have once dedicated most of my time to kawaiiNation, that it came to a point where kawaiiNation was the only 'life' I had. I have a job, and I have friends and family too. I can't neglect my real-life for too long, lest I become a real Denpa Otoko. My responsibilities have grown too much for me to handle and the effort to juggle my time with kawaiiNation has grown taxing.

There are other reasons, which I won't reveal here out of respect of the existing members and moderators. But long story short, there was further clash of interests and principles. I would hate to be the grumpy old dude character there. I always emotional in whatever I say, so I may said things out of my line in order to prove a point. So I decided to retire from it all before it grows worse.

Time went by, and I have never forgotten the times I had there. So I decided to take a stroll down memory lane there today, and my oh my, it seemed like they did really great. A strong nostalgic feeling came to my heart, and warmth of liquid to my eyes. It's like seeing an old friend.

So I popped in a PM to the admin, Rin, to see if he still remembers me. And yes he did. I decided to join back the forum. I'll most probably hang out in the non-girls forum, let the newer fellas have their fun. I had mine already a long time ago.

If any of you guys are still reading up to this point, thank you. To some of my friends and family reading this, this may be a shock to you, but this is who I was and who I am. But I am still the same person.


So if any of you are interested, give them a visit.

Email problems!

Some of you may wonder what i do for a living..... well, i'm a IT system administrator. I administor IT systems. Hahaha.... well, not so funny anyway.

Well, I pretty much do the same thing as any SA would, we are managed hosting professionals Stronium. As much as I enjoyed the IT world, it came to me as an accident really.

The only thing that bothers me is the workload and tension. It's nothing I've ever experienced before when I was a draughtsperson. Ahh~~ life back then was easy. We are the living photocopy machine for civil engineers and architects. We visualize and "graphicalise" their (sometimes) stupid structures and concepts and when there's nothing to do, we hang out at the coffee shop for a drink downstairs. What a waste of life..... i've wasted almost 5 years of it. My initial idea was being an architect, but financial restrictions have led me to be a draughtsperson all my life. Don't get me wrong, I learned a lotta things along the way, but I don't see myself leading an easy life later.

Oh,.... on topic...... I hate customer-having-problem-with-sending-email problems!!! ....there... i hope i wasn't off track.

Confession...

Perhaps I should confess here..... the date of entries here are not accurate to the post times. I was just feeling that I should express myself in some way, when my short relationship with a girl ended. She is one special girl to me, and I'll tell you why later.

I'm in a middle of 'soul searching' for myself. I blame myself for the fall of this relationship. I see myself and her going further all the way,... but I guess it's not meant to be, not at this moment. I haven't given up yet. I should be, but I love her too much to let it go.....

Love and therapy

I've missused a word to describe myself, .... I'm not a psychiatrist, just a therapist. A NAIVE therapist to the effect. I'll tell you why later.

I've just listened to the whinings of a passenger who's sitting beside me on a bus journey back to my hometown. Somehow he just told me about his business, his frustations and how it has affected his family. The trick? I just kept quiet. That's it! You don't have to be very charismatic and influencial to get people to talk. I remember from an article that says something about dealing with friends --> "Sometimes the best way to be a friend, is to keep quiet". And I think it's quite true. Remember how Robin Williams got Matt Damon to talk in 'Good Will Hunting'? He just kept quiet, and the 'Will' character won't talk, for 60 minutes of therapy session.... everyday. Until, one day Will breaks down and started talking (not before some few arguments). It's a surefire technic.

Back to business, how does the ability of listening and basic therapy knowledge help and involve in a love relationship. The answer is 'nothing'. I have a crush in an Indian girl years back, and stupid of me, I didn't take any action and let a Punjabi fellow get to her first. And almost everyday she will call me and tells me how stupid her boyfriend is, how inconsiderate, how uncaring,.... "I wanna break up!!" ...... and last one will be the next topic I shall start about. On topic, do not think that being there for someone who is in the middle of a heartbreak situation can guarantee you some pussy. It doesn't work all the time. Some of them just want to whine and cry about it to someone, and not expecting anything from it. In fact, those same "some of them" will be as jolly as a bird the next day, and went straight back to the uncaring and heartbreaking bastards. This girl here, knows how much I care for her in a more-than-friendship level, yet she still comes to me when she's down. I will do my entire best to cheer her up, giving advises after advises, telling her that her boyfriend is "not really that bad, you know" and stuff. She will cry and she will shout, and then she will smile again. But after all that she leaves, leaving me heartbroken everytime...

It's been years since I last saw her. News has it, that she's getting married this year. Not to the same Punjabi fellow, but a Singaporean. She rarely calls me now. I guess she FINALLY realised it. I'm not saying that it's bad to have an attachment to someone to whine to, but at least show some appreciation with pussywords at least, to someone who has been there for you when you're down, and to draw the line before any emotions are stirred.

.....but I will never ever touch another Indian woman again.....