Tuesday, August 22, 2006

She still remembers...

I have a friend. She's the reason I started this blog in the first place (if you have read the early entries). Broke up with her 2 years ago now. And during the "healing period" time, I find myself not wanting to let her go. Very typical of me, I fall in love very slowly, and I fall out of it even slower. So it was tough.

She broke up with me, cos she thinks that she is not ready yet, and thought that it was unfair to me. (I'll tell you why later) I didn't see her as a women that I can love at first, but she was really, really a nice girl, and I see a lot of myself in her. The insecurity, the naiveness, the huge interest in music and composing... She had displayed lots of kindness towards me, that I have never experienced before, and I was touched. But perhaps that's what it was - just kindness.

I brought this misery to myself, for wooing her in the first place. I can't blame her for being shocked when I confessed my affection to her on my birthday 2 years ago. There was some tension between us after that, but I know, I had her attention already. So one day she told me, (something that I suspected a long time already), that she's a bit on the queer side. But I didn't mind and convinced her nevertheless, after much coaxing and I was happy, and proud. We went out and make out just like any other couple, and I can tell that she did enjoy her first experience of being with a man. But inside of her, she was still struggling with her other side. And finally broke up with me.

The many days after that, we remained friends, but I missed her terribly. I told her that I will be back again for her whenever she's ready. But then I grew tired of waiting. Why does it always have to be me making the changes and adapting my lifestyle to someone else'? I wanted someone who I can always be my goofy self, and someone who can understand my needs. I can't be waiting forever, I can't be ALWAYS the one waiting. And that's when I finally met my fiance. Quite a fascinating story on its own. Maybe I will blog it sometime.

On topic, she still remembers, I think. The times when we were together, when we broke up and when I told her that I'll be back. She always mentions it when we occasionally go out for a few drinks. The first one is always the hardest to forget. She's is still reminiscing about our times together. I felt like I have betrayed her sometimes. Even more so, when there was a time, she got drunk, called me up in the middle of the night, and poured her soul to me. Recently, she brought up the movie "The Breakup" starring Vince Vaughn and Jeniffer Aniston, over a cup of tea. I'm not dumb, I could see the hidden implications when she summarized her view on the movie. For a moment, I felt really bad. She's being more casual with me right now. And we're still good friends.

But hey, I am happy now and I have moved on. And so should she. I sincerely hope that someday she finds someone else who can her give all the love and all the things that I wanted to give her myself, and much, much more. And that she should receive her rightful happiness that she deserved.

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