Wednesday, September 20, 2006

Real "Benefits" of Smoking...

Related post: Smoking Benefits...

In a previous discussion, I mentioned about the real "benefits" of smoking. Guess what? There ARE beneficial side of inhaling the intoxicating nicotine through your lungs. No, it's not only having the oh-so-old remark of looking cool while leaning back and sitting cross-legged, left palm on lap, right arm draped on back rest of the couch with a ciggarette between your middle and index finger. That's old. I now present you some of the cooler things you can have when you smoke.

Create Clouds
Gather a group of buddies and make clouds together. A great way to create a "highland" atmosphere at any time, while having a chance for quality time with friends. Works best at closed compartments.

Better Tastes
Oversmoking kills the taste buds on your toungue. Rendering you near immunity to spicy and strange tasting food. Impress your friends with your power of resistance to spicy food and curry. If you're a man, your wife will never ever notice that you hate her cooking experiments anymore.

The Sympathetic Unwell Person
Bring out the mother-instinct in women, watch them get closer to you with the great look of concern on their face reserved only for you. (Yeah, we men love those) Don't worry about the coughing stuff, this will make women care for you more. There are many types of disease and side effects you can get for smoking. Among the popular ones are bronchitis, coughing blood, asthma, and Parkinsons. Remember that Mohammed Ali has two wives. By the way, this works well for women too.

Terminal Disease
Related to the point above, there are more dangerous disease which you will get after prolonged smoking. Lung cancer, heart disease, pneumonia etc. Coupled with lies about your Donald Trump-like wealth will soon attract the young and beautiful to your side like moths to fire, thinking that they will benefit from your demise some day. Sure, they'll find out later, but in the meantime you will have lots of fun and pleasure. Works well with the next point.

Dry Skin & Wrinkles
Get that great mature, elderly look in your face and skin for that rugged sexy look. Like David Carradine, Sean Connery, Richard Gere, Jack Nicholson and company. Your bronchitis will further complement you with that husky voice for the complete effect.

Blackened Lips
YTour lips will gradually turn dark after many years of smoking. It's faster if your frequency is higher. Forget about lipsticks and coloured lip balms. Smoking will give you a super-cool natural-looking black lipstick effect that will last forever. Want a real gothic and mod-look? Grab that ciggy now.

Yellow Teeth (with Gum Disease)
Smoking causes the tar and smoke stick to your teeth, rendering it with beautiful yellowish ochre. Perfect for an all natural Halloween disguise for a convincing look. Also good if you always wanted to look like a real hillbilly.

Dragon Breath
In addition to the above point of yellow teeth, higher levels include decaying of teeth. Because tar and smoke are highly acidic it will slowly eat up your teeth. IF that does not happen, your alveoli and bronchial tubes within your lungs will be so polluted and damaged you will emit a natural foul smell every time you open your mouth. Now you will breathe a powerful yet foul and funky stench that will forever keep your safe from muggers and pickpockets. Handy, isn't it?

Aliens for Babies
Are you an alien lover? Wanna be the coolest guy in town with a baby that looks like the Zerg or Ninja Turtles? Start smoking and have your sperm start to deform and degenerate, and even cause your hormones and chromosomes to mutate. Helps if your wife does it too, to speed up the effect. Be aware of the inevitable impotence, stillbirths, miscarriage, premature birth and SIDS, so act fast while it lasts. Sounds risky, but hey, think of it as an investment. You may end up with a potential science fiction movie child-star where producers will love to have, to save cash on make up and special effect.

And finally...
Reduce Lifespan
Help yourself, and help your country. Reduce the ever-growing population by dying early or killing other people with your smoke. This will lessen the country's burden and free-up annual budgets from smoking-ban campaigns. Ultimately it helps to reduce taxes too. What better way to server your country, and serve your own interests at the same time? (However, if it causes the country to raise taxes on other utilities to make up the deficit, blame your country's government)

Don't forget the social qualities that come with it. Namely:

Ciggarette Hierachy System
In Malaysia, the brand of ciggarettes that you smoke may reflect your social status. It may be due to the price of ciggarette brand, or the commercial popularity of it. For example, people who smoke Dunhill are considered well-to-do. Marlboro are a favourite among the chinese and range from yuppie groups to techno geeks. While the Gudang Garam may reside on mostly construction workers and low-paid labours. Show off your social credentials today!

Cool Zippo Lighters
For people with glasses, the dramatic "take-off" will swoon girls who are looking for the classic sympathetic broken man, waiting to be hugged. Smokers have a reason to sport cool Zippo lighters legitimately. Use the head-turning flicking action that will grab the attention of the hot chick at the corner of the tequila bar instantly. That's not all, some designs come hand-warmers and play music. Absolutely irresistable to women. Get lucky today!

Footnote: The above article is only a jest, to coincide with my mission to quit smoking, and should not be taken seriously as "benefits". However, the medical effects and side effects are true. (Yes, I'm not joking about the alien babies part). So be warned.

"A pinch of tobacco, wrapped in paper. A fire on one end, a fool on the other."--Mark Twain

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