A new blogging beginning.... or the end of it all?

Well, that felt better... so here we go.

Blogging about blogging ..... yet again?
Nay... it's related. But it's more than that. Free style typing away here...

I've been thinking, what was the theme of this blog?

Yes, it's a personal blog. But everything I blog here are completely random. Some of them are just blogging for the sake of blogging. I hate doing things that doesn't have a definitive direction.

But then again, if I blog whatever I want, this blog will be closed down in no time.

I live in Malaysia, and for the benefit of non-Malaysians, this is not a place where you can practice freedom of speech. Everything is controlled, even the media.

Recent news about serveral top Malaysian bloggers being served the lawsuit because they wrote articles or parodies that probably criticized the government, poked fun at politics, or anything seemingly negative at all. And after a certain somebody kicked out a few key journalist of a certain newspaper, took on the role of chief editor, he started to bring out his weapons of pens and paper and begin throw lawsuits towards the aforementioned bloggers for libel.

And even for the previous statement, as cloudy and obscure as I try to make it, will probably land me lawsuit in no time. Then again, does anyone really care to do so?

I envy USA, where even David Letterman openly criticize President Bush on national television. Here, speak of anything negative, you get thrown to the lockup, or face the courtroom. Should I be more wary of what I blog? I don't think so. Because I don't think I am that influential as a writer or blogger. What I would eventually blog about, no matter how damaging the contents may be, may not change the society nor affect anyone. I don't matter. Unless I'm a member of the parliament or a renowned individual, then the stories will fly in all directions, and lawyers will visit my home.

I hate politics. Don't get me wrong, politics is important, as does the complex concept of country governing. If I were a politician, I make sure my policies count and benefit those who voted for me because of their confidence in me. But I'm not.

If I do discuss about politics, nothing positive would come out of it. Being a citizen of a country such as ours have its benefits, but when you are able to see past all the glorious twin skyscrapers, our mamak-circus astronauts, the "Malaysia Boleh" chants, you will find nothing but a decaying and hopeless dot in the world map called Malaysia.

Now you see what I mean by "nothing positive"? If not, here's more...

Think about it, we cast our votes and hopes to our local political parties campaigning so hot with lots of promises, then we get them breathing fire back at us. Breaking their promises, enacting ridiculous laws, hiking the taxes and tolls, and barring our basic civil rights in terms of freedom of religion choice, freedom of speech ... etc. Four years later, these same people come back for the elections and expect to vote for them again. For what? We know what they are going to do already. The system is all wrong. How on earth are we suppose to be hopeful?

Maybe I can write about the current events. But am I in touch with the current events to blog about them. It doesn't matter actually. Heck, I don't even care about them. Everything about it has something to do about politics.

The story I covered about the fanatical and mindless Muslims gathering in our church in Silibin over a silly SMS, protesting over a ceremony that has nothing to do with them? Politics.

The news about the government stating that they have no objections about our citizens joining the Highly Skilled Migration Programme to UK? About the same government who are more interested in promoting this year's Visit Malaysia Year 2007 and building that multi-million dollar copycat ferriswheel, instead of finding ways to retain our citizens by spending that same amount of money to improve the educational system? Politics.

The statement from the government warning hawkers not to hike the price of vegetables using the recent flood as an excuse? Do these fellas even know basic economics of demand and supply before saying that? Politics.

The fact that our police stations are so unequipped and under-facilitated , and yet the government expects the police officers to be self-motivated to be more dutiful to their job? The fact that the police officers are bashed for their corrupt ways instead of taking into consideration that most of these officers are living a hard life, to a point of being unable to even afford a proper apartment, or vehicles that are not Kancils? Politics.

The fact that even the Malays blame their own government for maintaining the "Bumiputra benefits" ...err...I mean the NEP... over the years? The fact that these benefits only benefit the few wealthy individuals of the country, and not the majority? The fact condos and apartments take even longer to sell because them bumis don't even have the cash to buy them despite having the NEP advantage? The fact that these benefits do nothing but making them even lazier? Politics.

The hiking of the toll fares? Politics.

The Singapore-Malaysia bridge? Politics.

The Petronas Twin Towers? Politics.



That silly scratching coupon parking system in Ipoh? Politics.

Ya know, with all these stuff happening, it becomes uninteresting on bloggin about our local news most times. In fact, it is so easy to assume what goes behind the curtains whenever the government (city, state or country) tries to implement ... err... whatever. Just think negative, and you will be able to connect the dots.

I believe in being hopeful, that there may just be some politicians that are not as corrupt as we think they are. But for the past close to 3 decades of my life, I must say this - nothing on this land makes me proud of who I am, and what I have become.


This is why I am happily blogging about the Japanese entertainment scene on my other blog, talking about my wedding preparations here, comparing my facial similarities with celebrities, and talking about a freakin' pizza restaurant in Australia...... all of this while our brothers and sisters are suffering in the east coast because of the floods.

This will be the last blog post I will make that consists of rants and complains. Because,... the more I think about our country, the more depressed I get. There is nothing worth blogging about it. Nothing at all.

Oh, the new them about this blog? Anything of entertainment value, thought provoking essays, personal projects.... just as long it has nothing to do with things that depresses me. But forgive me if I cut in once in a while to rant. We have to kind to ourselves and do something therapeutic once in a while, no?

Other than that. Have a nice day.... Peace. ^_^

Sleep Apnea.... Now I know why....

So, NOW I know....

Other than the bedwetting part, I basically have the symptoms for everything else about Sleep Apnea......... in other words, I'm in deep shit.

Non-surgical, and non-medicinal solutions include exercise and sleeping on the side. So I'll see what I can do.



Sleep Apnea from Wikipedia

Common Signs and Symptoms

(The signs and symptoms that follow apply to both adults and children suffering with sleep apnea)

Additional signs of obstructive sleep apnea include restless sleep, and loud snoring (with periods of silence followed by gasps). Other symptoms are non-specific: morning headaches, trouble concentrating, irritability, forgetfulness, mood or behavior changes, increased heart rate, anxiety, depression, increased frequency of urination, bedwetting, esophageal reflux and heavy sweating at night.

The most serious consequence of obstructive sleep apnea is to the heart. In severe and prolonged cases, there are increases in pulmonary pressures that are transmitted to the right side of the heart. This can result in a severe form of congestive heart failure (cor pulmonale).

Source from dreamprophesy.com

Sleep apnea means “cessation of breath.” Basically the person’s airways become obstructed, and I don’t have to tell you how dangerous this sort of thing could be! Oddly enough, the person doesn’t even realize they have the disorder - the person in the bed with them is very often the one who recognizes that something isn’t right.

Symptoms of Sleep Apnea:

* Excessive daytime sleepiness
* Frequent episodes of obstructed breathing during sleep.
* Loud snoring
* Morning headaches
* Unrefreshing sleep
* A dry mouth upon awakening
* Chest retraction during sleep in young children (chest pulls in)
* High blood pressure
* Overweight
* Irritability
* Change in personality
* Depression
* Difficulty concentrating
* Excessive perspiring during sleep
* Heartburn
* Reduced libido
* Insomnia
* Frequent nocturnal urination (nocturia)
* Restless sleep
* Nocturnal snorting, gasping, choking (may wake self up)
* Rapid weight gain
* Confusion upon awakening

Then, it's my turn....

It's my turn to be ill. Bleh. :(

Was down with flu on Sunday. Now it's my fiance's turn to nurse me. Being me, I hate to be treated like a kid, but I must say that... I kinda liked it. Sponge bath... mmMMMmmm~~~... ^_^ \(^0^)/ :)
(Not a full body bath, but just enough.)

Nothing much to say, just that I always hated being ill, or down with anything at all. Going "Cmon... I can't be THAT weak!" everytime. But at least, now I can rest easy, now that I know I have someone to take care of me.

Will update me blogs when I am better.

Have a good day. Peace ^_^

On playing nurse, stupid doctors...... and a stubborn fiance

Being a nurse is not easy... I salute all the nurses in the world, for their fortitude and patience, definitely one of the most grueling job ever.




I had my try being a nurse to my fiance since Thursday. She was down with some mild gastritis initially, and I took her to the clinic on Wednesday to sort it out.

But the problem came where she went for second opinion the next day, because the pain didn't go away. And the dumbass doctor prescribed her Ponstan, which worsen her problem. Now Ponstan is a multi purpose painkiller, can be used as an anti-inflammatory pill, and reduces bleeding for women having their period. I think that doctor had assumed that she was having a period, but the real problem is she was having gastritis. You see, Ponstan is also known as mefenamic acid. Simple equation --> acid + acid = bad_stomach. I didn't know that until she told me on Thursday morning, I would have stopped her if I knew.

So, 4 a.m. on Thursday I had to wake up and send her to the clinic again. This time, the doctor recognised that the first doctor also prescribed her antibiotics that is also acidic (Forgot the name). Adding to the equation again --> acid + acid + acid = even_badder_stomach. The doctor had advised her to stop the antibiotics, and will not prescribe her another one, afraid that a second type would cause complications. Somehow, my fiance misunderstood the advice, and continued taking the antibiotic... against my protest. Adding to the equation yet again --> acid + acid + acid + stubborn_fiance = totally_fucked_up_stomach.


By noon, her mild gastritis had turned into an ACUTE gastritis. Needless to say, she was so in pain, she cried the entire time.

I had to take half the day of to send her to the clinic AGAIN, where another doctor gave her an injection, prescribed some non-acidic painkillers, and some counter-gastric liquid.

Stayed with my fiance for the remaining day to nurse her. It was a heartbreaking moment to see the love of my life, flinching and wrenching and writhing in pain on the bed, cried and cried, puked so many times... it was terrible. She kept on asking me for the painkillers, but I denied her of it. We have to wait for a few hours for the anti-gastric liquid to take effect, because we don't want her to vomit the medicine out again. It was probably the worst 4 hours of her life...

But thanks be to God, it was worth the wait, cos' by night, after the taking the painkillers, the pain had subsided a lot, and finally she is able to walk and change into her pajamas. I left after 8 p.m. and was informed by her landlady (who was so kind, and made me some dinner) that she was asleep an hour later.

The next day, she was healthy as ever, and she was thankful for all I have done for her, and credited the speedy recovery to my attentive nursing. Somehow, I still feel bad, because I knew there was a problem and yet I didn't prevent it in time.

I've done and given my best... because that's all I can do. "And that's all I need. No one else could have done the same for me" she said.



She is stubborn. But that's what I'm for. I still love her. ^_^

New Year and Resolutions

Delayed post. But here it is.

Happy New Year 2007!

Fourth year of blogging....... Yeah, I haven't been regular. But it still counts. ^_^

My resolution is to re-condition my body. Lose at least 15 lbs, and tone myself up. Time to slip on my running shoes, and take out the weights that I have been keeping underneath my bed.

I'm getting married this year, so I don't want to look like fat on it. The pics that I have taken till now totally disgusts me. Never have I thought that the fat under my chin could be so visible.

Other than that, my other goals are:
- recontinue my MBA studies after the big day
- visit my sister in Japan
- restart my songwriting
- regularly update my blog(s)

Hopefully, I can fulfill most of it.

Christmas Family Dinner 2006

Sorry I was late posting this... got too distracted by all the food and sleeping. ^_^
Used Google's Picasa2 service to upload them. Only 250 Mb size maximum for free accounts but it's sufficient for now. ^_^

Click here to view.

We didn't take a lot of pics. Maybe because we were hungry. :)
The pics without flash were taken by me, because I like the dim lighting, creates the mood for it. However, the others preferred the pics to be totally brightened with the camera flash. Ugh... ^_^

Yes, it was dark after we took the pics, but that's not something we cannot fix after some brightness adjustment with Photoshop, right?


Me and my love. See? It's not that bad... ya?

From christmasdinn...

OK, hears a clear one to be fair.


Two of the three women I love the most in my life - Mama and Sharm. (My sis, Cindy, is in Japan :( )

From christmasdinn...

I have mentioned many times that I was out of shape. Many have doubted it. Here's the secret: it's all in the angles.



Here's how I really look like:

Our family dinner.

From christmasdinn...

--------

Overall, the dinner was really great, a nice buffet at Casuarina Hotel lounge restaurant, Ipoh. Sharm joined us, but I feel bad for not bringing her family along.

The food was excellent. Most of everyone left the salmon alone, so I literally ate half of the plate served on the buffet table. Other than that, the barbecued mutton and beef was juicy and nice. As with the local cuisines - ginger chicken, roasted duck, mixed veges, salad, "localized" pasta...etc. The fruits still sucks, it's the one thing that never change about this place. But the cakes... man, the cakes were fantastic. Why, I couldn't even bring myself to eat some of them because they look so nice.


U can't touch dis...

From christmasdinn...

Hope your Christmas was good too!

.... and now on to the New Year!!

Of Christmas Holidays and a Blast from the Past...

Had relaxing holiday, I can't remember the last time I slept this much, but it was really therapeutic. My headaches have calmed down, but I don't expect it to go away soon. On Christmas night, had a wonderful dinner with my parents and my fiance. The pictures are in my pen-disk, but I'm too lazy to go dig it in my luggage. I've just reached home, and getting ready to sleep. Tomorrow's back to reality and work. *sigh*

Firstly, today is OUR anniversary, my fiance and me. Today was our 2 year anniversary of our first date. We met again on Christmas morning after separated for 9 years and I asked her out on the next day. Two years. Time flies when you're having fun, no? It wasn't just all fun, there were tears also. But I'm glad we made it this far. (Sounds like a love song I've heard somewhere?)... But it's been a swell two years, and I'm wishing the next two, twenty or two hundred years would remain the same.... (If we could live that long, that is. ^_^)

Secondly, need to show this... my haircut.



Needed a change of mood and therefore a change of hairstyle. Now I don a Visual Kei hairstyle. Dyed it brown-red, with spikes. This will take up an extra 10 minutes of my mornings to style 'em up. But it's worth it. Next, I need to work on my weight problem. No point having a cool looking hair but having a unfit body. So it's back to the weights and running shoes from this day on.

In other news.... a blast from my past.

Many years ago, I helped the Lagenda BEC in Taman Song Choon area, to start out a caroling troupe. With my previous experiences of caroling with the church choir, I was confident to lend what little help I can to get them started. It was a great fun and a successful endeavor. However, controversy arises when the church choir questioned my commitment and loyalty by doing this. Loyalty? Commitment? Golly, since when we have sub-societies within our church? Truly, I was torn apart between the two. But I decided to divied my time between the choir and training these group of people to be able to sing carols. End of the day, we had a blast, other than caroling in their BEC Christmas party, we even went commercial and performed in a hotel lounge. I watched a group of under-trained adults, teens and children, with raw and unpolished voices... transform into a group of mini-choir with voices of angels, singing with sheer confidence. But this has brought some unspoken tension between me and the church choir.

For a long time, the choir has been the Microsoft of the church. Total monopoly of carol requests and control on who gets in the choir or not. This, in my view, had the choir members' noses high up in the clouds, and that is not good. I followed my heart and gave a group of lay-people a chance, finally, to sing their hearts out, spreading the Christmas cheer in their own way. Also, hopefully, the church choir can learn something from this. But I ended up looking like a two-faced, double-crosser. Was what I did wrong? That question has haunted me for a long time.

Finally, an SMS from a leader of the BEC came today, with Christmas greetings... and short words expressing that they missed my carolling support, but they managed to do it on their own this year. I was happy, that at least I have made a difference in a small way. I don't know how many times that they have done it ever since I stopped leading their carolling, but I was glad that they didn't stop there. A certain feeling of nostalgia occupied my mind the entire day, and I can sigh in relief, that all my effort did not go to waste. Praise the Lord!

However.... when I shared this with three of the most important people in my life - Papa, Mama and my fiance,.... it was met with disinterest. I was saddened, that I can find nowhere to share my joy.... *sigh*... Oh well...

I wish the Lagenda BEC knew that they have made an old forgotten soul happy this day. And how they changed my life, just as much I hope I have changed theirs.

Will post the pictures mentioned tomorrow.... Peace ^_^

Merry Christmas to Everyone! ^_^

Merry Christmas to everyone!

Had a great Christmas morning. Usually I don't look forward to Christmas mornings, because I have to get up early in the morning to prepare for mass. I prefer lazing around me bed, wrapping myself in my blanket in the cold, and chilly morning. But it was worth the trouble.

Actually we saw some great things in church since yesterday. Last night we went for the usual weekend sunset mass. And where we sat, a young lady had pushed in an old man, with tubes still attached to his nostrils and wrists. He was clearly half dazed there, but I think he knows where he was. I've seen this old soul before, he was always there at the right wing, in a wheelchair pushed by his daughter (presumably) but this was the first time I saw him in half-conscious state and with tubes. Father Rudy (redemptorist priest from OMPH) descended from the altar and came to his wheelchair for a special blessing for him, which afterwards he addressed to the congregation that THIS was a miracle and an example to be learned. His message in his sermon and closing homily is to look deep in our hearts for a reason, to find joy even during our darkest times. This, I agree very much... only a couple of days since I posted the story of my injury history, and Father Rudy pretty much summed it up for me.

This morning, more elderly, blind, and sickly people came for the Christmas morning mass. Father Michael Cheah was more than glad to come down from the altar as well, to present the Eucharist to those who have trouble moving around. Mama said to me that she wished that Ah Poh (grandma), though sickly, could have done the same. Ah, but... I know Jesus would have came to her room anyway. Though it could have been good for her to come to church, which she didn't for the last how-many years. Excuses? I don't know, that's between God and her.

I called up an old friend from Catechism class after mass, and set up a meeting with her. Gosh, she was still as beautiful as the last time I met her. She's single now. Anyone who wants her number can call me, but please remember to attach a cheque thereafter.

Then I called up another dude who was supposed to meet up with me for drinks last week. Haven't met him for some time already. So I'm roping him in, because we were Catechism classmates too (as is my fiance). This will be a cool reunion. ^_^



However, my Christmas present was given away. That was the only casualty.

The gramaphone that I wanted to pick up during this weekend, was given away to some fellow. It seems that the new owner of our old house gave the gramaphone set to the contractor (who was renovating the house), and in turn shipping it to another person. Papa and Mama was throwing blames at each other, while I, though disappointed, said that's it's fine. Shouldn't really claim back an item that was given away, sounds silly anyway. Papa was adamant, in spite of me asking him to give up, he stubbornly asked the new owner for numbers so that he can try to get it back. What a bloody waste of time.

I was cool about it, really. But what pisses me off is that Papa putting up some effort when it was already GONE. If something was to be done, it could have been in AUGUST, when I said I wanted it. Now it's making our family look like a bunch of laughing stock. *sigh*. I blame myself for not taking charge of the situation. Maybe the gramaphone set would have been around if I asked for the numbers a couple months back.

Now, I'm blogging, Papa's in the kitchen washing something and Mama's sweeping the hall. We're all obviously in a bad mood, and we're finding something to do, just to occupy our mind. :)
.... Well, you gain some,.... you lose some.... :)
Overall it's a good Christmas. Hope you had a merry one too.


Happy Holidays everyone!
Peace to all ^_^

Not quite right in the mind, body and soul.... But I'm blessed.

Angry Idiot: "You bastard!! You better go get your head checked or something...!!"
Me: "Well, actually I had an MRI scan last week. Thanks for your concern."

That would be my standard answer whenever somebody decide to insult me with the age-old muse of brain related put-downs.

**********

I went to the University Malaya Medical Centre to get an appointment with a neurologist in order to book a time to get an MRI scan. However the nearest date I can get is March 16th next year. That's what you get for being the best hospital with the best facilities. I was hospitalised there before when I got run down by a car years ago. Other than the poor security, that place is a cool place, one would mistake it for a hotel because of the good service.

Anyways, I went back to the clinic to see if I can get referred to another hospital for a sooner date, but no dice. Anywhere else will blow a big hole in my wallet. So I'm sticking to the booked date. And in the meanwhile, it's time I put on my running shoes again and shoot some hoops, to stay good health and hopefully keep me in better shape.

I rarely talk about my past injuries, but would gladly indulge whenever someone asks. So here's how it's like in a nutshell... for those who don't know.


This brain scan thing, is the second time I remember feeling this down. The first was when I was diagnosed with a case of slip-disc 9 years ago. Two herniated intervertabral disc, pressing against my spinal cord at the lower lumbar. I could have been paralysed from the left side of my body.

It was because I was super active in sports way back in school, particularly basketball. Did lots of weight-lifting and lots of running. Took part in "sports marathon" with my friends. (11 hours of consecutive running, basketball, soccer and swimming) I was in my fittest (and hottest) when I was 17. But my reckless weight-lifting practices and over-the-edge activity finally reached its limit. The last straw was when I was jumping for a rebound and swinging around for a behind-the-back pass on landing. That was when I hear the scariest sound ever - the "Crack!" sound of my lower back finally giving way. I remember sitting down, unable to stand, while assuring my team mates that I was OK. But I'm not. The images of the MRI scan of my back, showed me the most frightening thing I have ever laid my eyes upon.

I was in total state of anguish and self-hate. Even loathed God for my incompetent body and sad fate. Weeks later after I was discharged, I travelled 200km to Sunway Pyramid for the (now demolished) largest roller coaster ride with my godbrother. Two consecutive times. (Note: Roller coasters are forbidden for people with a weak heart or bad backs) I was hoping to get myself killed there and then. But it never happened. (Yeah, I was a real stupid teenager back then...)

I love sports, and my physical ability as the one thing I took pride in. I remember taking on 3 people at the same time in a basketball game, and beat them at it. But like Titanic, God took me down, crushing my pride to pieces. I think God was trying to teach me a lesson, the hard way. I soon reconciled with God a few years after. Right now, even though I cannot sit/stand for a long time without the feeling of pain in my back, even though I cannot lift heavy objects, even though I cannot take part in sports as vigorously as before, even though my fit and muscular physique is now replaced with a fat and undertoned body..... at least I am still breathing and I can still walk.


Now comes my headache. Possibly migraine, possibly burnout. I don't know. But I was feeling down yesterday. I tried to push my limits again, this time at work. I am the type that would give all my energy and effort to accomplish things. Will not hesitate to put up over-nighters and programming marathons if needed be. Even though for the past weeks, the office have been quiet... the side-effects of my activities for the past year have finally shown its ugly head. I attribute this NOT to genetic inheritance of my family's history of hypertension and high blood pressure. But to my excessive working hours, irregular eating/sleeping habits, and long periods in front of the computer. In short, unhealthy lifestyle. Again, my over-the-edge lifestyle have taken me down with a side Russian leg-sweep. But after all the concern and support given to me by Papa, Mama(who cried), my fiance and my boss, tells me that I don't have to be that miserable. My bad mood has lasted me less than 24 hours. I feel that I have made a significant improvement and is definitely a stronger person. (even though I don't look like it physically) ^_^

My head is not fully healthy, my body is a wreck, my soul definitely scarred... but indeed I am blessed.

Have a nice day... ^_^

It's Back.... and worse than ever.....

Went to the doctor's today. Because of food poisoning. Also to double-check my headache and my blood pressure again. But the latter results made me forget to ask the doctor to check on my crummy stomach...

After some general diagnosis, and questions, the doctor decided to refer me to the neuro-specialist for brain scan or an MRI scan, suspecting that my headache may be because of migraine, and something more. I knew I shouldn't have told the doc about me seeing double-visions at night. I thought that was because of lack of sleep, but the doctor thinks otherwise. Scans and diagnosis like that costs a bomb, about RM 700 not counting consultation. So I asked the doctor to refer me to the General Hospital instead, it's cheaper that way.

Ya know,....I've been thinking of posting some old photos and old stories in my life, onto this blog. Sort of a "Flashback Special Series" blogging kind of thing. I remembered that it was said that when people facing death, they see their life flash before their eyes. A sign of things to come for me?

Have taken the half day off, will be going to office in a while. Still thinking whether I should take the referral to go the hospital, and when. I don't think my company covers this, so I have to pay through me nose. It's only days after I recounted my blessings, then this happens... *sigh*... Oh well....

Bloggy, Bloggy Blog - the test results

Actually, me typing while I'm halfway to slumberland, had a purpose to it. It's just a experiment to test how my mind works while I'm half asleep. There's a reason for this, and I'll explain later. Overall, I find the results quite... interesting, to say the least.

I typed the entire thing with my eyes closed, leaned back on my chair, both my hands extended over the keyboard, and typed away whatever comes to my mind. Just kept on typing, not sure if I DID really fall asleep at any point. And then, I forced my eyes open, without even reading the the blogs contents, squinting and struggling to find the "PUBLISH" button, clicked it, checked the clock, turned off the monitor, and jumped straight to bed. ^_^

As a result: 40 minutes of texts, and a blog post of random thoughts. I remember pausing in between paragraphs, but I seriously do not remember more than 50% of what I typed. Especially the Carlito Caribbean Cool quote of "That's cool" part. ^_^ For the most part, I am surprised that I am still able to do bit of formatting even though all I see is blackness.


The reason
I am conducting a simple but crude experiment to find out what ticks me, and what drives me. By being in a state of half-asleep, I am attempting to tap into my sub-conscious mind to see what is hidden at the back of my head. Usually you can do that by meditating quietly or lucid dreaming. But we're in the Information Age... let's do it cyber-punk style. ^_^
Do not underestimate the sub-conscious mind. I remember the time that when I spent days arranging and composing a song, I got a lukewarm response. But when I wrote another song with minimal arrangement, in the wee hours of the morning, sleepy and tired, spent less than 15 minutes on it,... the song was praised and noted. I think that we are at our most creative and innovative self, when you are able to dig inside your heart and soul, and express it so that others may feel whatever touches you and is dear to you personally.
.... probably that's why some musicians over-indulge themselves with alcohol and crack. Not that I am encouraging it, of course...


The production analysis
1)WYThIWYTy
Stands for "What You Think Is What You Type". And I think that I think in organized point-form manner. Scary... over the years of watching and analysing people, my mindset has warped to a point that I possibly conduct thesis and personality analysis on every person I meet. If I had taken classes on NLP (Neuro Linguistic Programming), I would have either have a full head of white hair by now, or I am completed bald due to falling of hair.

2)WYTyIWYTh
Stands for "What You Type Is What You Think". I am able to express myself by just typing on the keyboard. I can be as one with the computer... Which is another way of saying that I am getting more nerdy than I think.

3) Repeating myself too much
19 words of part of words containing the word "blog". I'm getting old. And it's usually something I worry the most, which brings to the next point:

4) I ask too many questions
18 questions marks (?). Meaning I think too much and worry too much.


The content analysis
In summary, I worry a lot. That I know, but always I lost track on what I worried about. On content, I think that I have a lot on my mind with regards to blogging. I didn't talk much about my personal stuff or my Jpop stuff. I had regrets (that I did not record those memorable things on polaroid and paper) about my past, and I have not sought to reconcile with them. Probably, I am currently attempting to use this blog to overcome it. Along the way, I challenged myself with some other goals, like having at least 1 blog post every 2 days so that I don't get lazy,... but maybe got side-tracked just a little. Finally, realised that even though I always say that I do not mind what others think of me, my subconscious mind thought otherwise. However, I am certain that what I do mind is how my actions affect other people.


THE CONCLUSION:
- Created 2 blog posts of unscientific material (because I ran out of normal blog topics)
- Learned some new things about myself (because I rarely sit and reflect my actions)
- I lead a dual-life, and has kept it separated as much as possible (When I'm offline, I do not think about my incoming email. When I'm online, I do not want to be bothered by anyone)
- Need to check my English grammar before publishing posts (...yup, that's it.)
- Need to use less first person contexts e.g. I, my, me, myself ...etc (Don't wanna sound narcissistic)
- I sound like a crackpot when I'm half asleep (my fiance can testify to that)
- I have less work in office currently (have more time to think of crazy blog ideas like this)
- I need to backup my blogs soon (in case, the Blogger database server catches fire)
- UFA needs to bring Aibon back (Ok, I just sneaked this one in...)

Have a nice day. Peace ^_^

Bloggy, bloggy blog

Blogging about blogging.

That sentence itself sounds funny to my ears. But lately i have been thinking about it. I'm typing with me eyes closed and just typing whatever comes to my head. Will look disorganized.

And that previous paragraph is what I'm going discuss now.

I've been thinking, that at the end of it, blogging divided to the following types:

1) Blogging for yourself
2) Blogging for others

At first, I started blogging for myself. This one in particular was started and suppose dto be a place where I rant about my break-up. I know that my ex wouldn't discover it anyway, so I don't care. But then again, if that's the case, why do I publish it online over the net? If I wanted it to be personal and secret, shouldn't I do it with my text editor and save it in my hard disk? Part of me wants her to read it someday? Hell no. Which makes me wonder why do I do it anyway?

I blog so that I may record whatever that happens in my life, so that i have something to look back and think that my life has been colorfuland is not all wasted times. I regret that during my school years that I have not taken much pictures. I have done a lotta shit, including being in the military band, joining the Wushu club, lead the group in the Chinese Instrumental club, my first and only basketball tournament, the memorable school drama, the 3 day long camp inthe the wet hills...etc. If i have a photobook to record them all, i will have a olourful history to look back and remind myself that yes, I have my own achievements and probably have left my mark in someone else's heart.

I started my other blog about Hello! Project stuff so that I can jot down my findings and news, to chart and record my mission on fidnding news about my dear Kago Ai, the suspended artiste because of a careless and irresponsible action.

but the blog went on, and become a place where I mostly write so that others may see it and always, i look forward for any feedback and comments, to know i have done something worthwhile.

I know iknow. some people use blogging as a way to express themselves, and to showcase their works. so that one day they may compike it into a book and sell em off. some budding writers use it and the social network to hopefully get recognse one day.

Do i blog so that i get recognised too? I say that I blog for myself, but why do ikeep checking for any user comments, and why do i keep checking back the site visitor statistics to see if my writings are what people want to read about?

yes there is a sense of acheivement to know that my writings are appreaciated, but didn't i start bloggin for myself? when did the chagne happen? I feel like i blog now for others. sharing is one thing, seeking attention is another.

read swifty's blog andhis posting of his MSN conversation with his partner. It's hard to blog for him because he is trying to get recognition, and hop that some people may form a community there.

Is blogging for self centrerd and narcisstic people?

is it suppose to be pastime? has the author or the readers taken the blog seriously?

i'm sleeppy right now, my eyes are totally closed, and i'm typing it off my my mind. i may open my eyes and see the tons of typingand grammar mistakes.

is this what people call emo bloggin?

in conclusion.... i forgot what's the conclusion may be.
oh yeah right.... where d oi go from heere? do i stilll continue to do what ever i have now? will my bloggin topics change? do i blog to get attetion?////


ok i am close to falling asleep while typing.... now that would be an intersting thing to happen. waking up hours later and conuing the rest of the post.... and say that oh, i have done something weird to day.. am i typing for sake of typing,? i hate being me.... no actually i am fine being the way i am.... i doubt that many others can survice life being me. then again, i also doubt anybody wants to be me..... i am not playing for this year's christmas carols with the carlling troupe. the need to find new blood to join the group/ coming bakc will only encourage them to slack .



aibon please come back.....
found lots of similarities between me and my fiance today.... i think found a "mirror site" of myself.... and that.... that's cool. (bites an apple)

will read my own post tomorrow morning.... interesting to see what i am capable of while talking when half asleep....

g'night... love and peace.

How I got into Jpop... better late than never

I have never discussed this subject with my friends. They know me as "that Japan-phile" or "That Japanese guy". I think everyone, in their heart, have at least one country or a place that they want to visit and experience someday. Mine was Japan.

I'm into music, it's my ultimate passion. I suspect that I have musical notes as one of my blood cells. For years, I listened to English songs (local or abroad), Malay songs, Canto-pop and Mando-pop (Chinese), Tamil and Hindi (Indian)... etc. I move from one language to another, but after a while, I get bored of all the predictability and stereotype-ness. With the exception of Indian music (which I still listen to), the others just don't appeal to me anymore. Just ask me which is my favourite on the American Top 40 charts, or which artiste do I like among the Hongkong stars, ... and I'll just answer "Err... Me like all of dem. Dem is all nice. Yes."
They're all the same, too little variety and too little musical value to my ever-growing hunger. Right up to the early nineties, I couldn't take it and began to look for alternatives.

Flashback - My first contact with anything Japanese was J-Dorama(dubbed), aired in the mornings daily. I would watch them religiously, when I was in junior school. There were two - one was about a team of volleyball girls and another about a girl who is like some sort of cosmic teenage-witch. I forget the names of the shows but it has got some cool 80's Jpop soundtrack that me and my friends dance to... in secret, of course. Then there was the Masked Riders, Ultraman, etc.

Fast forward to the early nineties, I got tired of the monotonous music that was beginning to build up. Lousy rocker bands, boybands and girl-groups are sprouting up like mushrooms after rain. Luckily for me, it was also the time where J-Dramas and animes are booming in Asia. This was when I started to really listen to JPop music, starting with anime and J-Drama soundtracks. My first ==> Slam Dunk's "Kimi ga suki da to Sakebitai" by Badd. Just playing that intro in my head gives me the nostalgic goosebumps, even till today.

Now, my list is endless - Anzen Jidai, Koji Tamaki, Chage and Aska, Fujii Fumiya, SMAP, Spitz, Le Couple, Noriko Sakai, Oda Kazumasa ( Yup, I'm old school. ^_^), ELT, Puffy, Toshinobu Kubota, Ken Hirai, Okamoto Mayo, DCT, Judy and Mary, SMAP, MAX, Speed, Kinki Kids, aiko, Yuzu, Da Pump, Gackt, Do as Infinity... current ones include Mihimaru GT, Bon Bon Blanco , High and Mighty Color, Sowelu, Orange Range, Rythem ...etc

Jpop isn't the only genre I explored, the Jrock scene was equally good. Luna Sea, X-Japan, Glay, Malice Mizer, L' Arc En Ciel, SADS, Janne De Arc, Pierrot, the Yellow Monkeys, Love Psychedelico, Kaggra, AliceNine... etc.

Of course there was the Hello! Project family. Go here to read how I got into Hello! Project in particular.

I was so crazy into Japanese music, my classmates started to ask me that question again - "What do you like so much about Japanese music? Don't you listen to anything on the Rick Dee's Top 40 charts?" and I will give that same answer again. "Oh no, I do. Me like all of dem. Dem is all nice. Yes.". Then I'll start to pretend that I like the Backstreet Boys or something. Being indifferent in high school here means you get bullied. (Sound familiar?)

Later I took Japanese classes to learn the language, because of a job in a multi-national company that I'm hunting for (They pay the employees very well). I failed to get the interviews, but I continued the classes anyway and I learn to appreciate the music a little more.

And so, I was hooked with Japanese music and never looked back. Tis' a lonely experience being the only one singing Japanese songs in karaoke sessions with my friends, but I hope to find a comrade one day.

Hard Love ... and Hard to Love

I did the most craziest thing today... I gave my fiance a hard lesson on being independent. But after all that, I came home and wondered if I did the right thing or not?

I'm hard to love, because I'm all about hard love. I don't mind playing the bad guy, just as long others get the message that I'm trying to convey. Not that I'm being all self-righteous and all-knowing... but sometimes I go to the extreme just to make my point.

I can't say what was the exact situation that has taken place, but basically, I allowed myself to be caught in a problematic state, my plans for the night ruined, my work interrupted, everything I planned become absolute havoc... all because of a decision that she made. I don't blame her. She's been protected all her life, and is still unaffected by the harsh city life that we live in. It's one of the reasons that I fell in love with her. But I cannot, really cannot let her be too dependent on me for everything. So I set an example for her. Got all pissed off, showed my tantrums, before finally gave her advice, after letting her see the consequences of what she did... and hope she understands.

Like I said, it's hard love, and I am hard to love.

I know a story of a woman (a celebrity), who quit her job to be full-time housewife for her family, and was well protected by her malevolent husband. She gets all the attention and love that a husband can give, and was dependent on him for everything. Tragedy happened, that man died in a vehicular accident abruptly. Out of shock, she fell into a emotional trauma, not knowing how to continue her life without her husband. Things that her husband always do for her, including taking care of the kids, caretaking the household etc., now she have to do on her own, and she had a really hard time picking it up. Even begged people for money online, because her husband had not taken a life-insurance package, and she lost the notion of finding a job.

I'll be damned if my lovely wife-to-be have to suffer the same.

I lived my life, learning the hard way, to be independent on everything. I prefer to get my ass burned just to learn. I was educated from young on how difficult life is, the value of it. The scars I bear after the countless times I self-wounded myself with a pocket-knife shows it.

I'm not being pessimistic or dark-natured about life. I'm not being fearful of responsibility. I am not being fearful of people being dependent on me. But I want everyone around me to be able to carry on, even after I go to the Father above.

I worry a lot, and always, always think about the worst case scenario. I worry for my fiance, if she receives enough love and attention that I am able to give, even after we get married next year. I worry about my parents, who are already aging, and if I have done my responsibility as the eldest and only son, and if I elevated myself from being a burden for them. I worry for my unborn children, and if they receive the love and education that we can give. I worry about my sister in Japan, alone and struggling hard to survive, without the physical presence and support from her family. I worry for the company I work for, if it achieves its eventual target, and I fought to do my job to keep it running its course smoothly without any hiccups, even if it includes my sacrificing of my own career path for another colleague, even if I get a bad impression in the end.

I gave up my own future for my sister's sake to be able to fulfill her dreams. I gave up my own dreams in order to stay within our family's financial means. I gave up my plans for my own immediate future and gave up my personal principles and swallowed my pride, so that my fiance can have a wonderful wedding next year.

Only a handful of the people who knows me, knows about the existence of this blog. And nobody knows what I think most of the time, and so I became the bad guy, everytime. It's fine, as long I do my job. Which I think, is my Calling in life.

I'm all hard love, and even harder to love.


To everyone else... Have a nice day.

Love and Peace
jin ^_^

Funny Sensation on My Head

I've been having this throbbing sensation on the right side of my head, above my right temple. It feels like a vein or blood vessel up there just pumping and throbbing away. Been like that for a few days now.

I wonder if it is due to lack of sleep, high blood pressure, work stress.... or all of it?

It's been quite bothersome, and it's happening now as I am typing this. Gosh, I don't even know how to explain this to the doctors...

Productive Day...err... Night... I mean, MORNING!

Yeah, I'm still awake. This is my final post before I hit the bed. Otherwise I will be watching the sun rise out my window. It's crazy, but I'm really on a roll today. Or yesterday, which occurred 7 hours earlier.

On the side note, Sharm called to tell me that she will looking for some job to do while she is in Ipoh. No point sitting around the house doing nothing, she says. And I agree, but she could have done it here in KL, where she is always accessible to any sudden interview offers. But I guess she had already made up her mind. She was afraid that this will anger me, but I was calm about it and she was relieved. At this point, I'm at the stage that whatever she decided on, I will have no other choice but to offer the best support I can give. It sucks to be unemployed, and I know that too well, cos I've been there. That's why I understand how she is feeling.

However, sometimes I hoped that she listened to me earlier so that things won't be this bad at the very least. Oh well, I suppose we can't have everything our way. God has a plan for all of us, I always say.

So back on topic, it was a swell day. But it didn't start off well, cos I had a problem recording with my webcam. I'm assuming that there is a driver conflict between the webcam and the soundcard. I reinstalled the driver and webcam application, but no dice. Then I found a workaround - chuck the webcam app aside and use MS Movie Maker. As much as I hated to use it, I guess I have to. I've be using it to edit my recordings currently anyway. It will be temporary though. At least until I clear enough space to install Adobe Premier.

Afterwards, managed to finally video chat with Papa and Mama. It's really cool though we had some problems with the sound. At first I thought it was their mic/webcam having problems but further testing proves that maybe it's my microphone. We got loud noises when I speak to my mic. It's like this -> I spoke to the mic, it picked up the sound and emitted through their speaker, back into their mic and came out in my speaker, then back to my mic and it goes on and on. Sounds like hellspeak. :) After I get back home next weekend I'll check their machine out.

Later on, I video chatted with my sis in Japan. And surprise, surprise, nothing happened. No noise, no nothing. Really weird, so my mic problem is ruled out. BUT after chatting with her for a couple of hours (yeah, we can do that. Who says brothers and sisters can't get along? ^_^ ) the problem came back again - right after my Messenger app hung. So the next probable assumption that it is my webcam. You see, it comes with an embedded mic in it. So that may be the cause. However, sis says that she had the same problem while chatting with Papa and Mama. So I guess I better check by putting their mic farther from their speaker. Funny, funny.... but all in all. It was real fun being able do all this. Really bonded our family ties closer. ^_^

Next up, I'm able to record my transposition (as posted earlier) without any hiccups. Well, actually some mistakes here and there but it was close to perfect. Usually I have to do a few takes before I deem it acceptable. I thinking of doing "Furusato" next. Sounds easy, but again, it's a quality song. And like all good songs, there will be some challenges ahead.

....ahh... I spoke a little too soon. I'm at the end of this post, and I saw the sun rising up already... I guess hibernation is in the way. :)

Good day!

Peace ^_^

No holidays? No matter...

It's a long public holiday here. Saturday was Deepavali, Tuesday and Wednesday was Hari Raya. Monday was offday/forced leave. Long holiday, so I can relax, right?

Wrong. I was on standby to make sure my company's customer websites are up and running. Self implemented standby, because I was sure something wrong would happen and that I'm not going back hometown anyway. Seem like my decision was right, so much problem happened for one particular customer that we have to keep a close lookout.

Other than that, I was on my H!P blog doing some updates, and I'm not even finished. But it was fun. Hadn't patrolled the japanese sites that aggresive before, but I wanted updates. Updates on H!P news and my beloved Aibon...

Uploaded another guitar song in youtube.com. Some people did actually liked my performances, so I was glad. My next goal was to produce a much better video, because so far it's all muffled and the bass sounded too mellowed. Gotta wait for my thumb fingernail to grow, get a better speaker and a better mic. Why? Because it's much cheaper than getting a new digital camera.

I had a draft post where I would discuss about the whole Lim Kuan Yew's comment and apology about bringing up the "marginalization of the Chinese in Malaysia". But I changed my mind. After reading the draft, I was sure I'd get into trouble for publishing it. I have my own take on it, and it's not pretty. Not for both Malays and non-Malays. It's just an unending debate, both parties are wrong in certain areas. No point arguing over it. Basically, what I can mention is: Do Not Say Anything If You Don't Have Anything Good to Say. Seriously. It's the same as our Pope's case.. Anytime, when it's about religion or racism, it's always sensitive. Should never bringing up unless you have a strong agenda you want to act on and you have strong points. Apologizing afterwards will only embarass you and make the other party look good (for the wrong reasons).

Calm Before the Storm...

No updates these days. Nothing much happened during the week... well actually there are some things. But I've been busy at work. Sometimes I take the work home with me so I can have dreams about it that night. Last night I had another one, couldn't remember what it was, but there was a dateline involved. I hate it when I dream about some work and I finished it there, but when I wake up and go to work I have to redo it all over again. *sigh*

There are some things that came my way, I've gained a couple of technical tricks that could be useful for me in the future.

So overall, it's been pretty calm during the past few days. Been a routine week -> wake up, go to work, go home, have dinner, and sleep. Yep, not even the energy to go online. All I wanted to do is rest, rest ,rest...

We all know about the 'calm before the storm' thing, so being the pessimist that I am, I am expecting some kind of trouble coming my way. I'm almost sure it's either one of the two things: something to do with work, and something to do with my dear Aibon (cos I had a dream about her a few days ago). Welp, it's time to go hunting for information about her now. Could be another bad omen...

SoooOOOoo.... maybe now I'll find a time to continue and record my other guitar transpositions, and post it up this weekend.

"Mama is Online"

That's what I'll be seeing later on my Messenger buddy status. So my parents have plugged in Streamyx, got a brand new Pentium 4 3Ghz, 80Gb HD 512 RAM machine, and a webcam with mic. *sigh* I wish I had the cash to get a new hard disk.

So what's next? Why, training time!

You see, Papa is OK with computers cos he uses one at work. Mama is a total beginner, and still having trouble navigating the mouse pointer. :) Ahh, this bring backs memories...

Teacher: Now, listen up boys... this is keyboard, this is the monitor.
Boys: Yes, sir...
Teacher: And this device is called the "mouse". Watched what happens when I slide it to the left...
Boys: OOooohhh~~~....
Teacher: And watch what happens when I do this (* sliding the mouse in circles *)
Boys: aaAAAAaahhh~~~
Teacher: Now you try.
Boy 1: Sir, the cable is not long enough. I can't reach the end of the screen.
Boy 2: Sir, my mouse pointer is gone.
Boy 3: Sir, I cannot double click.
Boy 4: Sir, the left button does not work. (tapping the left arrow key on keyboard)

With all that out of the way, Mama has learned some basics on firing the browser, the windows explorer. Papa taught her. Next, they need to get used to using the Messenger.

Yesterday, had a fun time trying to teach Mama how to surf the net, via phone. The hard part was trying to explain and translate everything from English to Cantonese. (How do you say 'address bar', 'bookmark', 'options' in Cantonese??). Otherwise it was fun, really. I guess for a person at her age, Yahoo! is the way to go. So I taught her how to type in URLs and save to bookmarks, and left the rest for her to surf around. She seems to be excited to be able to look for her stuff of interests. Mainly tourism spots and eateries.

Now these are things Papa have not got into yet. When it comes to computers, he only sticks to work related softwares like MS Office.

I guess now, during Mama's pasttime, the internet is going to replace all those TVB drama series. Wait till I start teaching her how to download torrents of TV series...no wait a minutes, that my sis... Heh!

Mini-Tornado During the Week...

No, nothing disastrous. Metaphorically, it has been another roller coaster type of events happening during the past week. I had lots of them in my time, but this time, I'm able to document it. This one's smaller, and I'm blogging based on my memory. Cos' I was too busy to even draft it out. So, here's the week in a glance:

Separated from life source/support
My fiancee, Sharm, went home to Ipoh. Not because we had a fight, but because she was terminated from her company. She was under a "probation period", so the rules have changed a little. She decided to move out of her room to save the rental cost, and look for a job from Ipoh. For me, I wished she could have at least:
a) save her job; She could have talked to her boss about her poor appraisal, and argue about the (false) negative statements, to save her job and her tarnished reputation. Plus she is actually paid very well. Too well for her then working experience.
b) stayed here; Moving back to Ipoh saves some money, but to arrange to travel back and forth to PJ/KL for an interview from time to time is a hassle, and costs about the same. Plus employers prefer to pick from the locals, not from outstations.

But then again, this job gave her a lot of pressure. So she decided not to keep it. Now, I believe in "performance under pressure", and that you can actually learn more while working under pressure and lots of problems, cos you have more problem-solving opportunities, so you can gain more working experience that way.

.... However, this is her life and her career. This is who she is. And she is my wife-to-be. So I can only say that I will accept her and her decisions with my full support. (Yes, it's 'accept'. Not 'tolerate'). On topic, yeah... I've been cut out of my life support (which is my fiancee)... *sigh*


Drained of Monetary Recources
I had a big bonus this month. However, my road tax is also due. So plus my car installments, bills and stuff, I watched my money reduced to a fifth of the original sum within 2 days. To look on the brighter side, the bonuses helped me to pay off a forseeable amount of debt, so I guess it's a blessing.
Ya know, I find that I am really unable to save money this year. No matter how I try, something will pop-up and take them away. Therefore, this means that chinese fortune telling is false. "In 2006, the Goat will enjoy a prosperity year"... yeah, right. 'Prosperity' indeed. All I found out is how long a RM50 bill can keep you alive in PJ/KL. The only people that prosper, are the owners of Feng Shui merchandise.
...there goes my DVD-ROM burner/player and the 5.1 sound system... *sigh* *sigh*


Meeting with the General
The 'General' in subject is my fiancee's dad. Always wanted to have a talk with him, ya know, man to man. So last weekend, I had a chance. Nice man, just like my Dad. My usual magic with conversations worked, and he told me a lot of things. He was actually anxious for my fiancee to get a job soon, and had been putting pressure on her to do it quick. Can't blame him, all fathers are like that. I explained to him that Sharm had gained a certain amount of confidence and maturity now, and it shows by the amount of job applications she makes. So we talked it over, (plus some other things) and he finally felt better, and no longer pressured Sharm. All in all, it was good, he is much relaxed, and Sharm was impressed... ^_^


Family WebCam
Last month, I took my parents to the cybercafe, so that they can chat online with lil sis. We even powered up the webcam so that they can see her while chatting. Unfortunately, due to some technical problems, she can't hear us, though everything else works fine. Due this webcam experience, (obviously something refreshing to my parents), they decided to get a computer and a broadband line so that they can do it at home. So last weekend, I transported the 19" monitor from my office and travelled home to Ipoh, and help them to shop for the computer. It was easy. But the problem is that the Streamyx connection that we are applying for may not work well in our area. This Wednesday, the technicians are coming over to test the connection, before we commit to buying the computer.

Typhoon in Japan
My lil sis got caught in typhoon while moving to her new place. Apparently all her things didn't get wet, the movers that she hired had them wrapped up beforehand. Heh, the japanese are accustommed to working with natural disaster already. I hope she's OK.

The Wedding Date
So the wedding date? Not gonna reveal it here. But it's next year. So I talked to Father Michael Cheah about it, but he says that it's still too early to set it up. So maybe after our EE course (Engaged Encounter or Evening for the Engaged), at about start of next year, we will apply.